Practical Jokes that are truly Practical
Joke #1: I think some of you will like this one. You ever see those signs on the side of the road that ask “Got junk?” and then have the phone number of some lunatic with a box truck who’ll charge you fifty thousand times what the dump will charge you to get rid of the pile of wood and washing machine you have in your back yard. I know a lot of people hate these signs, and by association the people who use them. So here’s the practical joke. You actually phone these people, and HIRE them to pick up various pieces of junk you’ve left around the city, of course it’ll cost some big dollar, but think of the look on their faces when they realize that you’ve hired them to go around the city and take their own signs and chuck them out at the city dump. Suckers.
Joke #2: I think the only way I could pull this off would be if I came into a bunch of money, but man it would be worth it. Get yourself a nice big RV. Stock ‘er up with lots of snacks and stuff, and then go driving and pick up as MANY hitchhikers that are trying to get to Vancouver as possible. Invite them to take a nap during the drive. While they sleep, haul ass over the border and get into Washington, grab a stop at some convenient rest area, and when they all get out to take a leak, yell out the window ?You’re only an hour away from Vancouver, but you’re on the wrong side of the 49th parallel, bitches!!? and then tear ass out of there. The practicality of this is still in with the R&D boys, but fuck would I laugh hard when these poor bastards tried to explain how they got into the US without any record of it showing anywhere. Prepare to have your cavities searched!
Joke #3: Go to a Uhaul location. Get yourself the biggest truck those son’s of whores have available. Probably a twenty five footer, maybe a twenty two, they never seem to have any of their largest vehicles around when you actually need one. Make sure to waive the extra insurance, assure the desk clerk that you have…TOTAL..coverage. You must then take a sofa, couple of chairs maybe, some heavy shit in any regard and travel to the city dump. Get rid of that shit you brought, and then, fill that fucker up with as much trash as you can shovel into it. Try to keep this on the down low, the garbage PO-PO will no doubt want to know why the hell you’re taking garbage away from the dump, and you can’t let those fascist bastards in on this little plan, they’ll fuck the whole deal up. Now, you have to drive this thing like a racecar all the way to border, and take some pictures of yourself crossing into a different country, essentially completely voiding the user agreement that you signed. Make sure to leave some of them in the glove compartment, and spill a few on the counter when you return the thing. Now take it back to their depot, return the keys, and then run across the street and wait for the magic to take place. I guarantee somebody there will take a gigantic shit in their pants. Fuck you Uhaul, you merciless sons of dogs.
- Practical Jokes that are truly Practical
- by Crom
- Published on August 1st, 2005
More from Crom:
Misdirection and Confusion: ISBN 0679889582
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The rampant gambling infection, in every nook and cranny, lends some seediness to places that would be alright, if they didn’t have some vacant eyed grandma, blowing her life savings, sitting right next to you..
Soda Pop will destroy the universe
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Grocery Shopping: A treatise on tactical espionage
A place where only those with the strongest wit and fastest reflexes will survive; so to make the grocery shopping experiences of the future easier I’ve compiled several techniques for coming out on top of the food race..
Diamond in the shit
..The sad part is that somehow, even if I were to bomb all the theaters , a la Capone boot liquor styles, they would somehow make some money off this piece of shit.
Crom’s Letter to the Editor of Cosmopolitan
.your magazine being so obviously targeted at women in the early twenties to late forties, it begs the question, what could I, a 25 year old Male Canadian really have to say about Cosmo..
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