An Open Letter of Apology to My Parents
I’m sorry. Seriously, i mean it. I’m sorry i threw up on the upstairs carpet. I didn’t intend to puke all over the rug, it just happened, i was 9, cut me some slack, please. I’m sorry I stole all that candy from the 7-11 in Jr. High, forcing the store to close (although, economics may have had a hand). I’m sorry that despite my claims, I did not, in fact, become Batman when i grew up. Not only did i not achieve any superhero status of any kind, but I also didn’t manage the playboy millionaire lifestyle to fund said. I blame the possible lack of your death, as a traumatizing factor that would have set my metamorphosis into the caped crusader in motion.
I’m sorry that in high school, I didn’t pass math 13, in all honesty, i didn’t even try. I just slept during the class, and usually didn’t do the homework. In fact, i think i skipped the final exam in order to purchase a delicious hamburger. I’m sorry that i never became a doctor, despite my adamant claims while in school that I had neither the necessary skills or discipline in order to do the schooling for an MD. In fact i recently advised a close friend to ?Eat as much pie as your face can hold? an obviously dangerous piece of advice, that couldn’t lead to anything but diabetes and heart disease. In spite of the fact that he was 13 years old. I’m sorry about the numerous phone calls you received from my high school informing you of my missing Econ 220, but it was a boring class, and didn’t really impart anything useful in the realm of life altering information. I’m sorry you had to listen to that metallic recording say ?Your Son or Daughter missed one or more classes…?, i know how chilling that voice is, it still haunts me.
I’m sorry that i crashed your car into that light standard. In all fairness, they could have painted it some other color then dark brown, so that when the light went out, i could still see it, this of course doesn’t justify my driving on the sidewalk at all, but I think there’s an argument for either side. I’d also like to apologize for the $450 you had to shell out in order to bail me out of jail, after i crashed your car, I still faithfully maintain that I only had 2 beers, whatever their fancy ?breathalysers? says (although the .24 Blood alcohol rating coupled with my inability to walk, talk or keep waste inside my body long enough to reach a bathroom, will hurt my court case). I swear I’ll get that $450 to you as soon as possible. With interest.
I’m sorry I killed Auntie Jackie, that was not cool. I’m sure Dad is pretty choked that his sister is dead, but in my defense, anybody could have been walking by when I was playing with a plugged in and running circular saw, waving it in the air in jest. It’s unfortunate that it was her, and that i yelled out her name so she turned into me, that wasn’t too smart, but accidents happen. I think that that ?coroner? if he even can be called such, is dead wrong, I DID NOT make multiple strikes to her face and chest with the saw. Those things are like 4 horse power, I had a hard time shutting it off. I don’t think sending me to prison for 25 to life was the best choice you could have taken in this, but i guess i have to respect your decision.
I’m sorry I convinced Beth to bake that cake with a file in it. How was I supposed to know that it never works, everything I know about prison I learned from ?Ernest Goes to Prison?, and I didn’t think she’d be put in jail for it. She’s my sister, but was she adopted or something? Her lack of brainpower suggests she didn’t originate from our gene pool, I’ll tell ya. Don’t worry, a 4 year stretch is cake, she’ll be out in no time. Besides she always liked to read, and these prisons usually have pretty big libraries. Ours is big enough for me to distill potato vodka in the AV room, and none of the guards even KNOW. Oh, and unless I sell heroine or suck a lot of dick in here, you’re probably never going to see that $450, sorry about that.
- An Open Letter of Apology to My Parents
- by Crom
- Published on September 1st, 2004
More from Crom:
Crom Vs. EA Games: The Battle for Fun
I pray that one day the people at last throw down the shackles of EA oppression and realize that bigger and better is achieved by quality and not by the power of a corrupt and merciless Brand name.
One of those grimy pre-spring days, when all the grass is visible from the warmth, but dead and brown from a lack of sun and water..
Insider Trader Living
..The judicial system of North America is a deflated tire, on a broken down buick. Rusty doors and broken off side mirrors, complimented by a fat, lazy, stupid, on the take, son of a bitch driving it..
Bruce Banner Time
…If I had a nickel for every time some superhero in a tinted-out, too much bass, fuzzy dice, rice’d out, chunk of shit cut me off trying to race down to Metro before the drink specials are over and all the bar sluts are taken…
A Dying Reality TV Producer
How come nobody ever thought about having a show, where the contestants have a roast beef fight? You know, running around, laughing, and throwing freshly sliced, warm roast beef.
Ladies and Gentlemen of the House.
…In their 1969, Charger, painted orange with the confederate flag on the top, and named “The General Lee” they raced, burned, jumped, peeled, rocketed, cannon balled and buffed out…
Other recent features:
Sónar 2010 – Barcelona, Spain
The festival attracts a lot of outsiders, but the Mediterranean, Spanish and more specifically Catalan nature of the people makes the festival what it is. Catalan people are passionate and this passion is infectious. The atmosphere is electric in Barcelona as a city and heightened by music and intoxicants at Sónar.
Summer Party Naval Styles at Seven RestoLounge
Oysters, like wine are affected by terroir and these Miyagi’s flavor profiles ranged with one showing a cleaner, almost tropical profile and the other being more salty, marine driven. As I was devouring the seemingly endless plates put in front of us, I sipped on a glass of fine sauvignon blanc.
R4NT Radio March 2010
R4NT Radio March 2010 um wow it’s been far too long since the last edition edition, featuring: Hector Hernandez, The Infesticons, Blockhead, Gramatik, Emika, Thunderheist, Parov Stelar, Eddy Meets Yannah, Anti-Pop Consortium, The Slew, Lighterthief, Andreya Triana, Parasyte Woman, Mathon, Venetian Snares, and Funki Porcini.
O Restaurant & Lounge revisited
Calgary has a diverse set of urban communities, most of which have the ubiquitous strip mall watering hole. In the South West community of Marda Loop, a reinvention of this paradigm has been established.
Predictions 2010.. and beyond!
So 2010 eh? Almost but not quite (no year zero they say) another decade? It seems like just yesterday that the world was waiting for Y2K. R4NT started publishing in March 2001, so we’re not quite 10 years old yet, but in internet years we are already a senior citizen.
No matter what, the reality of Nelson Mandela is something that deserves screen time. Should this film even remotely intrigue the masses to take interest in this figure, the world would likely benefit greatly from it.