Misdirection and Confusion: ISBN 0679889582
Setting foot into the bookstore I instantly realize I’ve made a mistake. Hundreds of people lounging in easy chairs reading books they have no intention of paying for. I’m looking for one thing, and one thing only. I immediately latch onto a computer terminal to run a search, getting a dark look for a strawberry blonde who was gunning for the same terminal. I repress my scathing comment and begin madly typing in information. That which is displayed on the screen is of no help. The terminal begins spewing numbers and location tags at me at the speed of an electron. I catch the section the book is located in, and begin to scan the walls attempting to locate it. No dice. The game is afoot Watson. I rummage through a shelf closely labeled to the topic I’m looking for. Each book has been placed on the shelf in some kind of twisted random fashion. Authors names aren’t arranged alphabetically neither are book titles. The genius that thought up this system of organization knew exactly what kind of twisted game he was getting into. This whole cracked-up fun house style design was made on purpose.
Ever been in a casino? It’s the same concept, no windows, no clocks, no visible exits. The longer you are stuck in the store, the more likely you are to purchase merchandise. The coffee stand is there out of necessity I think, the lost patrons require food to survive long enough to solve the riddle of the store and exit. After a few moments I feel as if I’m totally lost, David Bowie is going to step out and wave my baby brother in my face , then I’ll fall down a well. The entire ordeal brings back memories of Gauntlet, red Crom needs food badly! I wander aimlessly for several minutes until one of the sect…er…employees asks me “You need anything?” I quickly shuffle through what’s left of my brain and come up with the answer. “Where are bookmarks?” (you see I know it’s an impulse purchase item, therefore it must be near the counter). “Oh they’re at the front counter” , he turns to leave when I scream “AND WHERE THE HELL IS THAT??”. That’s the third time I’ve been ejected from a retail establishment for raising my voice (raising my voice being equivalent to a Metallica concert).
Once again the similarities to a casino are evident, I stumble into the parking lot that the hired goons launched me into. Brushing off my clothes I swear 4 oaths I’ll never set foot in their establishment again. Only then did I realize… I never did find that book I was looking for.
- Misdirection and Confusion: ISBN 0679889582
- by Crom
- Published on May 1st, 2001
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Practical Jokes that are truly Practical
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Switchblade Comb
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Playing into their hands
…These radio stations could air their DJ’s making farting noises all day long and there’s Sweet Fuck All that we could do about it…
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Ground control to Major Tom
…I figure if you want to have true reality programming, get about 150 guys together, promise them a small appliance, and leave them in a dirt pit with nothing but Beer and Angel Dust…
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Diamond in the shit
..The sad part is that somehow, even if I were to bomb all the theaters , a la Capone boot liquor styles, they would somehow make some money off this piece of shit.
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