Interview: Magneto (From Xmen)

by Crom


Thanks to an aggressive agent, Crom had the opportunity to interview a notorious menace that has plagued humanity with his views for years. His pragmatic view of previous human encounters with his mutant brethren, this leader of current dark underground believes that humanity isn’t capable of dealing with him and his kind, ladies and gentlemen, today’s interview is with… Magneto!

Crom: Magneto, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of plotting my friends and fellow humans eventual downfall, it’s a real pleasure to be the first to get an interview with you.

Magneto: How did you get in here?

Crom: Heh, well I think I am the one who’s supposed to asking the questions, here let’s take a seat… So, Magneto, based on your obvious views against humanity’s interaction with mutants, would you say that humans and mutants cannot co-exist?

Magneto: You filthy humans have no respect for your obvious superiors, we are beyond Homo Sapien, we are Homo Superior the next step in evolution, and the fact that you and your kind cannot come to terms with it, will mean your destruction!

Crom: Whoa, hey now, no need to get angry, so would you say that the average person will have no place in a purely mutant world? Perhaps even as slaves, or possibly some kind of nutritious food?

Magneto: What? Mutants aren’t cannibals! Why would you say such a thing?

Crom: Well I’m merely presenting a possible use for our broken corpses, I’m sure you aren’t cannibals, but do we have a place?

Magneto: So far in the past 3 months, the only useful human I’ve met was a girl at Starbucks who made me Mocha with extra whip cream, it was delicious. I suspect she has latent mutant coffee making powers; else her pathetic human abilities could not have made such a fine coffee based drink.

Crom: Well Starbucks does have a delicious assortment of beverages for..

Magneto: SILENCE!

Crom: err.. uh, sorry, so what is your relationship with Charles Xavier?

Magneto: Charles is weak, and fails to understand that humans cannot perceive the superiority of mutant-kind, they fear us, and that which man fears he tries to destroy.

Crom: Like the boogey man.

Magneto: Yes precisely, the destruction of the boogeyman was a purely hate driven crime.

Crom: Well he did haunt kids in their beds, I mean that’s some pretty sick behavior, don’t you think?

Magneto: Don’t put words in my mouth you pathetic wretch!

Crom: So do you and Xavier have a history?

Magneto: What’s that supposed to mean?

Crom: I mean did you know each other when you were younger men?

Magneto: Are you suggesting that Charles and I had some sort of homoerotic love affair?

Crom: Uh…

Magneto: Because whatever he told you is a lie. That weekend at the Ozarks we did nothing but play monopoly and listen to Perry Como records! We never even saw each other undress, nobody can prove anything, I’m not answering anymore questions, STOP LOOKING AT ME!

Crom: Well… I guess that pretty much wraps up..

Magneto: He told me he would call. But he didn’t. Until I tried to steal a power generator from the US army, THEN he shows up, him and his little pack of “X” men, without so much as a hello, and tells me NOT to steal the device, like just because we had something, he has the right to push me around..

Crom: Well..

Magneto: THEN he has that Jean Grey girl around him all the time, as if to cast the suspicion that he has incestuous thoughts about her, so that no one would EVER think that he’s into men, despite his massive Geri Halliwell music collection, able to read minds Charles? Read this: “It’s raining men” ring a bell??

Crom: Okay, I think we’ve strayed slightly from the original intent of this interview, do you have any closing remarks about the continuing struggle against man’s ignorance of mutants?

Magneto: Just that once I get my hands on the Eye of Ages, each of you little bastards is going to pay for my pain! ARGH!

(At this point the interview ended, due to the metal chair Crom was sitting in, folding around him and crushing his ribs)

Crom: (cough)thanks…(wheez) Magneto…

  • Interview: Magneto (From Xmen)
  • by Crom
  • Published on February 1st, 2004

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