Ladies and Gentlemen of the House.

by Crom

I have a dream. Not about racial harmony, I don’t hate people for being different. Not about tougher laws for pedophiles, they should just be killed. Not for greater intelligence, I’ve no use for the modicum I have as it is. No, I have dream about faster traffic flow. Perhaps to some of you this seems trivial in comparison to other concerns that dominate most peoples thinking. Well, someone has to be the champion of automotive needs.

My dream stems from the Dukes of Hazzard. For those who are unaware of what that is (and I pity your poor, blighted lives) The Dukes were two cousins, Bo and Luke, who championed the needs of the down-trodden of “Hazzard” county in Texas. Pitted against the evil tyrant, Boss hogg, who owned the Hazzard county bank, and constantly threatened the serene lives of those who only wished to farm and buff out cars; In their 1969, Charger, painted orange with the confederate flag on the top, and named “The General Lee” they raced, burned, jumped, peeled, rocketed, cannon balled and buffed out their way to victory each and every episode. Saving Uncle Jesse’s farm, rescuing Daisy Duke from thugs, helping Cooter pay the bills by winning the county race, and constantly pursued by Boss Hogg’s henchman, Rosco P Coltrain, the Duke boys would always pull through for the towns folk.

I have taken a page from the Duke book, in order to make life of the motorist easier. I have written a bill for Canadian Legislation that could revolutionize driving as we know it. The Dukes of Hazzard Act. In short this act would allow the construction of metal framed “Jumps” to be built on every intersection, for those who feel brave enough; they can jump the intersection while the light is red. I will now place a small excerpt of the bill into the page:

1st Session, 36th Parliament,
46-47-48 Elizabeth II, 1999-00-01

The Canadian House of Commons

Bill C-109

An act in respect of aerial tactics and automotive infrastructure.

WHEREAS the current infrastructure of roads within the cities and province of Alberta is both insufficient and disorganized, and provisions are necessary for licensed automobile operators with the skills and knowledge to circumvent the “traditional” conduct of said roads;

WHEREAS this objective can be achieved through establishment of a legal supplement to all existent areas of travel. A metal frame work on the right hand side of any road that forms a “Jump” or “Kicker” allowing the vehicle to circumvent, via aerial maneuver, any intersection, with corresponding frame work on the other side for landing;

WHEREAS all licensed members of society are recognized as being responsible for their conduct and assume the liability of risk when operating a motor vehicle;

WHEREAS the actions this act legalizes are not without restrictions and the potential for legal action being brought against operators without decorum and proper conduct is both evident and unreserved unto perpetuity;

NOW, THEREFORE, Her Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate and House of Commons of Canada enacts as follows:

  1. This Act may be cited as the Dukes of Hazard Act.
  2. Definitions in this sub-section apply in this Act.
    “Fat Sky” refers to the height and distance required to clear the intersection after take off from the “Jump”.

    “The bridge is out” refers to a necessity, due either to time constraints or traffic congestion, to utilize the “Jump”.

    “Jumped the Barn” refers to a successful jump and landing.

    “Making the calculations for the jump to light speed” refers to the needed acceleration for successfully “Jumping the Barn”.

    “Air ’em out” refers to a failure to successfully “Jump the Barn”.

    “Save Uncle Jesse’s farm” refers to a need to perform the “Jump” to obtain an objective.

    “Ultimate Traney” refers to the lack of a landing zone when performing a jump, yet still successfully landing.

    “totus civitas pereo” refers to a time of non-activity for the “Jumps” regardless of necessity.

  3. The following principals apply in this Act:

    (a) The principal goal of this Act is to serve the public by

    (i) decreasing traffic pressure with continuous flow
    (ii) Alleviating stress to motorists by providing an alternative to any route
    (iii) Satisfying the morbid curiosity of the minority (namely Me)

  • Ladies and Gentlemen of the House.
  • by Crom
  • Published on June 1st, 2001

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