I’d try to win the Canadian Rocks House party contest..

by Crom

..but then I’d have to drink Canadian.

There are a lot of people who will tell you that Molson Canadian is a good beer. That it doesn’t taste like piss, and that it does not in fact closely resemble a bottle full of tap water from Ixtapa. Of course, there’s also a lot of people who will tell you that the best thing that ever happened to them was the weekend they saw Bush play Mac Hall on acid. The point being is that there are a lot of people who have an opinion about Molson Canadian that is wrong. This is not my opinion, this is fact.

It’s tied into the whole Canadian myth. Much like the time I told a fellow chum at school that I don’t like hockey and he asked “what are you? American?” the phenomenon of Molson Canadian, is more a mental state, then an actual refreshing beverage. You see, we’re fucking scared. Yeah, scared shitless, that everyone on the goddamn planet thinks we’re part of the USA. So we’ve conjured up a lot of crappy advertising and misleading doctrine, to brainwash the average Canadian into thinking that if you don’t drink Molson Canadian and watch hockey, you’re not part of Canada. It’s like those ads where buddy exclaims the various things he’s not, but that he’s Canadian. Well, I hate to tell you something jack, but you’re just screaming at fellow Canadians, who’ll all in turn say “yeah!” and then watch the game and fall asleep. You’re pathetic outcry is not heard by ANYONE ELSE. So save the airwaves.

You see, everyone already does. Yeah, we’re basically another state to them, a large, unkempt and held by ass backward yokel’s state, but a state never the less. We pour most of our natural resources into the US, and get paid JACK for them. Oil, Water, Lumber, good looking women, all of them flock south for the prestige of being American and not being associated to the Northern Barbarians. There’s a long list of people who enjoy the bright lights of America, who started up here, and they give the lip service to us, but for the most part, they don’t give a fuck about this country, and would rather forget it existed. They think we’re the top corner, and all the hopped up “we beat you at hockey, Pam Anderson was ours first, and the blue jays rule” talk isn’t going to make anyone think differently. But, we’ll keep on trying.

And, that’s why Molson Canadian gets drank. It’s so totally Canadian that it’s our way of getting fucked and forgetting the problem, but still supporting our side of the problem. And it’s too bad. Cuz Molson Canadian Sucks. Ya, it does. It’s awful, you know I’d rather eat dirt than drink it. If you’re going to commit to the hang over, at least drink something that doesn’t taste like your mouth will the next day. I think we should just accept the fact that we’re always going to be the younger brother of North America, and that the rest of the world will see it that way too. That way we can sit back with a nice ale, something that tastes like beer for a change, it would be a nice release. Of course we could always cut them off, no more energy, no more lumber or water. We could probably starve them out, and then invade the country, and they’d be too busy watching the baseball game and drinking Bud to notice. Bud….

Don’t get me started.

  • I’d try to win the Canadian Rocks House party contest..
  • by Crom
  • Published on July 1st, 2002

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