Fireball X10
The X10 camera doesn’t exist. It can’t be placed anywhere in your home, not in your living room, garage, front door… it can’t be loads of fun. The X10 camera can’t be bought for the low, low price of $39.99, it isn’t just 3 inches big. The X10 camera, is a lie. It’s a lie that exists as so many others do. In the form of a pop-up add, or under, or around, or whatever other form of annoying java script they’ve created this week. The X10 is a prime example of merchandise advertised on the internet, but never makes any money. No one is buying this thing, everyone I’ve ever talked to hates the company for their incessant advertising campaign. And it doesn’t stop there. On average I see 10 ads a day that I’m firmly convinced are trying to sell products THAT DON’T EXIST.
Oh yeah man, it makes perfect sense. How else could so many things be produced and sold? Especially things of such a useless nature. “How to make your CD-R write DVDs!”, run that one by me again… Or ads for ring tones, jesus, who CARES, not only that but in fine print they state that the model phone is one that isn’t even made, ANYWHERE. All this leads me to believe that these products are a decoy, a Copperfield if you will. While you curse the product they’re selling you, and the fact that it obscures your view of Jamie Pressly’s naked body. The sinister part in all of this is that the ad isn’t for that product. Oh no, it’s more nefarious. It’s an ad for POP-UPS.
What better way to convince the average deviant that the best way to advertise is to smash it down peoples throats, then to shove it up his ass. He’ll stare at it, much like the Grinch, while he puzzler puzzles, until…EUREKA! He fashions his own pop-up. This is obviously the plot of some evil intelligence whose only purpose is to flood the world with idiotic ideas that the average fool will eat up like so much canned beans. And, spread like a nasty rash to the rest of us. The world is under assault by the lowest denominator, and it will continue to be, until we do something about it.
Fear not, for I have begun the crusade to destroy these foul beings. I don’t know who they are, or where they reside. But someday soon, they’ll be sitting in their café’s eating their croissant, sipping their low-fat-non-dairy-half-whipped-au-lait-cappa-mocha-cino, and I’ll be waiting for them in the bathroom with a 2 foot section of 2×4 to beat them to death. USA! HOOOOO! Ahem.
The nefarious cult of pop (up,down,left,right,under,over,above and below) ads will be brought to justice. It will be vigilante justice, which will be frowned upon by the general public, but hey, I got a day job and can’t take the time to do this legally. So fuck you. So, Standing up for your liberty… and …
As Always, Defending the Faith.
PS. This will require true grit, and pure Horatio Alger. But we’re chalked full of that man.
- Fireball X10
- by Crom
- Published on February 1st, 2002
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