Douglas Adams VS. Crom: Literary Showdown
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the main event, tonight will prove to be a truly unique battle in the square of champions. We have an established, heartfelt, well known fighter from the land of tea and biscuits; some of his earlier bouts known around the world as the finest that most critics have seen, and facing off against him, is a virtual unknown, with little published work to speak of, and an ego that teeters from brazenly cocky to china doll fragile like the precarious seat of an over-worked rickshaw. We have a drunken street walker officiating tonight’s fight.
And there’s the bell, and our two fighters come out of their respective corners, ready to rumble. Adams in fine form, edging inwards of the big mans reach, lobbing a hum dinger of a right hook’s worth of Amphigory! The bigman counter with a quick Syllogism, a poor man’s defense if ever there were one…but wait, the logical puff was a fake out, as he ducks under Adams guard and unleashes a Dadaist flurry to the midsection. That’ll be the first and last underestimation by the seasoned fighter. Bobbing and weaving Adams returns for more… uh oh, look out he throws a Hanging Epic into the mix, Crom with a enjambed sonnet block to dystopian counter, this is shaping into a real battle royale! The two fighters have hugged each other, each trying to sway the momentum of his opponent. Our official is trying to break them up, fortunately the 3 or 4 quarts of gin he consumed appears to be affording him super human strength, allowing him to dislodge the fighters, and the fight resumes…
Adams is coming in fierce now, blasting away his opponent with Euphemism, Crom parrying the florid display wildly, trying to keep his balance, and returning! He comes at Adams with dysphemism that would make Chaucer balk! We’ve got a real rhubarb on our hands folks, Adams came out strong, but he didn’t expect the cunning young buck to have this kind of arsenal at his disposal, this is any man’s match now. Adams is backing Crom into the corner and ruining his party with an invective triphammer, this could be a serious threat to the so far good showing by the unknown, he’s countering with a juvenalian satire, good combination I might add, but this may not be enough to stop Adams from tearing a new one from the contender. Crom letting slip the dog’s of war, with his patented sarcasm long-arm, he’s managed to shake off Adams and…oh! There’s the bell ladies and gentlemen that is the end of the fight, let’s have a look at our panel of judges to see the outcome.
Final Judgement:
Douglas Adams is a sentimental Deist with closeted eschatological paranoia
Crom is a long-arm Picaresque with dusty Frankl tomes hidden under his bed.
From Madison Square Garden, this is ESPN Live Literary Coverage.
- Douglas Adams VS. Crom: Literary Showdown
- by Crom
- Published on December 1st, 2004
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