Dear Uncle

by Crom

Dear Uncle,

I’m sure by now the news has hit your ears, perhaps via newspaper or telegraph, or perhaps some boy has shouted the news from a street corner, but I have achieved my life long pursuit! I have invented a device that will convert the sound of voice into electrical impulses, transmit said impulses to a receiving unit, and then reconstruct them into the sounds; the transmission of voice has been achieved!

I’d like to say one thing to you: EAT IT! That’s right you fat slob, I’ve done what you promised to do years earlier, and with far more charisma. You thought you had a leg up with your Armature of tungsten but you were too narrow sighted to see the failure of using TUNGSTEN, HAHAH! My soft iron armature was able to conduct the delicate vibrations far more cleanly then your precious metal; your brain had obviously gone soft, when you bet your scientific career on an element discovered by a Spaniard! I hope they feed you tender mush in the home you’ll no doubt be living in, now that your so called “invention of the times” is no more then a foppish knock-off of my superior design.

You thought it was over when my awesome duplex telegraph lit the scene ablaze in ’74, you thought I had tapped out my potential for cross-atlantic methods of communication, but little did you understand the truth behind my discoveries. That was only a precursor to my greatest moment! My harmonic resonance research was paid back in full last week, when I stood in the library at Cambridge, with applause raining down on my shoulders like a plush mantel of ivory silk. You pathetic old man, how you can only dream of the fawning bootlicks that I now have trailing behind me. Watson was only the first, now I have an army of peons at my disposal, if I see you town I assure you, you’ll be wheeling out of it.

As far as the rumours of Elisha and the supposed “true telephone” nothing could be further from the truth, his invention was half the gusto of mine, and might as well have been a cone that you yelled through to your recipient. Don’t mention his name in my presence, or I’ll crush your skull! He and his pack of law dogs will not sully the name of Alexander Graham Bell, history will vindicate me! So hopefully this letter will convince you that the wager you made to me on my 14th birthday that you would be known far longer then I is a joke, and that your name will be scrubbed clean from the annuls of the world. Remember not to mess with me again Old man, or I’ll invent your ass into a casket.


Alexander G. Bell
Inventor of modern communication
March 14, 1874.

  • Dear Uncle
  • by Crom
  • Published on March 1st, 2004

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