Dear Uncle
Dear Uncle,
I’m sure by now the news has hit your ears, perhaps via newspaper or telegraph, or perhaps some boy has shouted the news from a street corner, but I have achieved my life long pursuit! I have invented a device that will convert the sound of voice into electrical impulses, transmit said impulses to a receiving unit, and then reconstruct them into the sounds; the transmission of voice has been achieved!
I’d like to say one thing to you: EAT IT! That’s right you fat slob, I’ve done what you promised to do years earlier, and with far more charisma. You thought you had a leg up with your Armature of tungsten but you were too narrow sighted to see the failure of using TUNGSTEN, HAHAH! My soft iron armature was able to conduct the delicate vibrations far more cleanly then your precious metal; your brain had obviously gone soft, when you bet your scientific career on an element discovered by a Spaniard! I hope they feed you tender mush in the home you’ll no doubt be living in, now that your so called “invention of the times” is no more then a foppish knock-off of my superior design.
You thought it was over when my awesome duplex telegraph lit the scene ablaze in ’74, you thought I had tapped out my potential for cross-atlantic methods of communication, but little did you understand the truth behind my discoveries. That was only a precursor to my greatest moment! My harmonic resonance research was paid back in full last week, when I stood in the library at Cambridge, with applause raining down on my shoulders like a plush mantel of ivory silk. You pathetic old man, how you can only dream of the fawning bootlicks that I now have trailing behind me. Watson was only the first, now I have an army of peons at my disposal, if I see you town I assure you, you’ll be wheeling out of it.
As far as the rumours of Elisha and the supposed “true telephone” nothing could be further from the truth, his invention was half the gusto of mine, and might as well have been a cone that you yelled through to your recipient. Don’t mention his name in my presence, or I’ll crush your skull! He and his pack of law dogs will not sully the name of Alexander Graham Bell, history will vindicate me! So hopefully this letter will convince you that the wager you made to me on my 14th birthday that you would be known far longer then I is a joke, and that your name will be scrubbed clean from the annuls of the world. Remember not to mess with me again Old man, or I’ll invent your ass into a casket.
Sincerely,
Alexander G. Bell
Inventor of modern communication
March 14, 1874.
- Dear Uncle
- by Crom
- Published on March 1st, 2004
More from Crom:
-
Ode to the Nurses
I had been asked a number of times how I would rate the pain: 1 to 10. I asked if there was a higher number available, I said I was dying. To be fair, I really thought I was.
-
The 6 ½ reasons I woke up drunk in Perkins
..what chain of events were so skewed as to leave me stranded at a all night diner, a long way from home, extremely inebriated and with little to no recollection of the past 24 hours..
-
In Flames – Reroute to Remain
All things known to man have gone through two questions by everyone, What is it? And why should I care? And this album was no different when I was first told of it. I thought “ah yeah, another Soil, another metal head loud mouthed band”. Quick! Diverge from this thought and hearken back to three …
-
SARS-castic: an Audio R4NT
If they’ve been worshipping their TV so much that they wear the mask in the first place, haven’t they been convinced by Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the news elite, that SARS is impervious to anti-bodies, leaps tall buildings in a single bound, and can infect you by knowledge of the virus alone…
-
Crom’s Report Card from the Vincent Price School of Ghoulish Behavior
It should be mentioned that the only reason that Crom acheived the grade he did, was the already latently bizarre nature of his mode of speech.
-
Stepping Up
It would be nice, once in awhile to have someone assume you actually know something, and that you weren’t hired on to do the job because you’d work for a tuna-salad sandwich everyday..
Other recent features:
-
Sónar 2010 – Barcelona, Spain
The festival attracts a lot of outsiders, but the Mediterranean, Spanish and more specifically Catalan nature of the people makes the festival what it is. Catalan people are passionate and this passion is infectious. The atmosphere is electric in Barcelona as a city and heightened by music and intoxicants at Sónar.
-
Summer Party Naval Styles at Seven RestoLounge
Oysters, like wine are affected by terroir and these Miyagi’s flavor profiles ranged with one showing a cleaner, almost tropical profile and the other being more salty, marine driven. As I was devouring the seemingly endless plates put in front of us, I sipped on a glass of fine sauvignon blanc.
-
R4NT Radio March 2010
R4NT Radio March 2010 um wow it’s been far too long since the last edition edition, featuring: Hector Hernandez, The Infesticons, Blockhead, Gramatik, Emika, Thunderheist, Parov Stelar, Eddy Meets Yannah, Anti-Pop Consortium, The Slew, Lighterthief, Andreya Triana, Parasyte Woman, Mathon, Venetian Snares, and Funki Porcini.
-
O Restaurant & Lounge revisited
Calgary has a diverse set of urban communities, most of which have the ubiquitous strip mall watering hole. In the South West community of Marda Loop, a reinvention of this paradigm has been established.
-
Predictions 2010.. and beyond!
So 2010 eh? Almost but not quite (no year zero they say) another decade? It seems like just yesterday that the world was waiting for Y2K. R4NT started publishing in March 2001, so we’re not quite 10 years old yet, but in internet years we are already a senior citizen.
-
Invictus
No matter what, the reality of Nelson Mandela is something that deserves screen time. Should this film even remotely intrigue the masses to take interest in this figure, the world would likely benefit greatly from it.