Ground control to Major Tom

by Crom

Unless you’ve been locked in a closet for the past year, or perhaps you’re one of the small percentage of people that don’t own or associate with television, then you’ve been exposed to the slough of shitty “Reality TV” shows that have reared their ugly heads. At first most of us thought it was simply some goofy game-show styled series wherein lucky contestants can walk away with their choice of the washer/dryer or life time supply of Pam®. However, after one season it was obvious that the disease would not simply run it’s course and die, like so many common colds. But, instead, would sink its festering claws into the tissue of our lives and hang on like a malignant cross breed of the Flu and the Ebola virus. It’s success paved the way for other networks to launch their own show of the same style; filling the airways with snapshots about the lives of people who we neither know nor cared about. The tragedy isn’t going to end, unless we end it.

In the supermarket this week I foolishly picked up a copy of the latest “TV Guide” and was greeted with a picture of 8 sunny faced people (who bore little resemblance to the “average joe” people the series supposedly was exposing, and catering to) all sitting by a waterfall. The tag line read something like “Determination will be the deciding factor” or some other tripe that followed that logical course. Reality Television shows are an oxymoron; as they are so far from the real world they claim to be rooted in that I cry when I think of the ramifications their actions will have on those who haven’t truly experienced it yet. I paid for my groceries and left the premises of the devil guide as quickly as possible. I had no wish for an informative brief on living vicariously.

Look, there’s only ever been, and will ever be, one reality TV show. COPS. That’s it. The end all be all of reality programming. Chasing down crack heads and beating them with big sticks is about as far as reality programming is ever going to get to “reality”. Most of the shows currently running are more like High School social gatherings, where each little group viciously attacks the other behind their backs, then smiles when they come by to chat. I figure if you want to have true reality programming, get about 150 guys together, promise them a small appliance, and leave them in a dirt pit with nothing but Beer and Angel Dust, and when there’s one left standing, put him on a pedestal and shoot him in the fucking head (thanks George). At least then, there would be a satisfactory ending to the entire affair. The rest of the shows currently running would be better if the following occurred in them:

Survivor: Pay a United States Army Ranger to stalk each member. His attire should be made up entirely of a pair of Over-Alls, A hockey mask, and a chainsaw.

Temptation Island: Several of the “Guests” are actually moles, and their entire objective is to convince as many couples as they can to kill each other.

Boot Camp: Around Day 5, the drill instructor from “Full Metal Jacket” will become their new Drill Instructor, he must constantly refer to them as “Shit Eating Glory Hounds”

Big Brother: During the night, light the house on fire, whoever makes it out, wins.

Shipwrecked: Remove any food sources from the island, see how long it is before someone eats a teammate. Play the “Hook” soundtrack at full blast 24/7 to increase odds.

Murder In small town X: After letting contestants visit the town and meet the people, drug them. While asleep fence in the town with Razor wire, then spread entrails across the entire city and mock bodies of towns folk, whoever remains sane the longest can be named the next Sherlock Holmes.

And finally:

Fear Factor: Dress up all the contestants like the KKK and throw them out of a moving van in South Central Los Angeles. Kurt Russell couldn’t escape that shit.

  • Ground control to Major Tom
  • by Crom
  • Published on October 1st, 2001

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