Car Alarms

by Silenced Scream

Car alarms have to be one of the worlds most useless inventions. How there is a market for these worthless devices I have no idea. As far as I can tell they serve no purpose but to act as one more annoyance the world could really do without. Car alarms are more woefully annoying than having a root canal done while being forced to listen to Britney Spears and almost as helpful to their owners and the general public as a fast food worker is to the patrons that visit their establishments. (I said almost, car alarms can’t flip burgers.)

I can hear some of the owners of these devices already starting to whine about why they own a car alarm. “I bought mine because that way if somebody is breaking into my Pinto to steal my vintage eight tracks they will be driven away by the noise.” I say bullshit! I mean if somebody REALLY wanted your stuff that bad that they are going to smash the window of your car to get it how much sleep do you think they would lose if they simply popped the hood of your vehicle and smashed the shit out of your $300 dollar noise maker? I mean come on, if you want to scare off a would be thief your money would be more well spent on a good scotch guarding for your seats, a bag of dog food, and a nasty ass Rotweiler. Hell if you tossed in an extra thirty bucks you could probably dress the dog up and get away with driving in the car pool lane on your way to work.

What’s that… somebody would surely notice the car alarm and would help to thwart the would be thief? I highly doubt it, in case you have failed to realize the world is filled with people who simply don’t give a shit about your stuff. Why don’t they care? The answer is simply this, its not THEIR shit. That’s right folks nobody cares if your car gets broken into, or if you’re getting mugged, or you had your bloody candy stole from you on Halloween. People don’t care as long as it isn’t them that is being robbed, raped, stabbed, or having any other transgression performed upon their person. Oh sure there might be the odd exception but this is only seen when the media makes a fuss out of something and even then it will soon fade from the publics mind when the next horror strikes the world.

Perfect example of the above, I was sitting outside of the establishment that I work at in Chinook mall early this month enjoying polluting the air with another of my cancer sticks and looking at where the stars would be if they weren’t mercilessly choked out by the artificial light that helps illuminate the parking lot when suddenly out of nowhere I hear this blood curdling shriek. After performing a few ninja like moves to save my uniform from utter destruction by my dropped cigarette I realized it was nothing more than a car alarm. I looked around the parking lot to find the source of the noise and soon found it, low and behold it was one maybe five cars in the parking lot at the time, and nobody was even close to the car. The alarm continued to fill the pleasant night with its screams of wrongdoing but to no avail, like a child throwing a temper tantrum in a store it was mostly ignored and warranted only a few dirty glares from passersby. But where was this screaming child’s parents, nowhere to be found, so the cochlear assault mercilessly continued. How long the alarm rang without any attendance I do not know for alas I was forced to return to my duties after fifteen minutes of the shrill electronic orchestra.

As far as I’m concerned car alarms are a pox upon the world. They are nothing more than an annoyance and sleep disturbing device. To all those out there who just purchased an alarm, return it, and for those who are thinking their Sunfire could do with a little more protection I say save your money and buy some better tires, at least they will be useful in the months to come. Until car alarms give way to car PROTECTION devices and achieve a coolness level now only seen in James Bond movies I for one will carry an unparalleled hatred for the demonic devices.

  • Car Alarms
  • by Silenced Scream
  • Published on December 1st, 2002

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