Calgary Hearts Dubya

by Gordon McDowell

The lecture circuit is an alluring mistress. She doesn’t care about your past deeds, only that you have fame. Success and failure are one in the same to her, so long as either is massive in scale. And she brings President George W Bush (#43) to Calgary on March 17, 2009 at the TELUS Convention Centre.

While there are some looking to protest President Bush’s appearance, the miscreants will likely be no more effective than when they whined in 2008 about Karl Rove’s talk at $500 per head. The fact is Calgary is the Texas of Canada. Rove, Cheney and Bush will forever be welcomed with open arms to our free market petroleum love fest of a province! And in turn, Bush respects Calgary so much, he’s willing to speak here for only $400 per head!

While President George W Bush will certainly have Secret Service, RCMP and TELUS Convention Centre security ensuring he’s not inconvenienced by our City’s… shall we say… more colorful elements, that doesn’t mean innocent Calgarians will avoid such inconveniences.

Let’s say you’re heading to the TELUS Convention Centre to hear Dubya speak, and some scruffian starts hollering and waving a sign in your face? What is the proper protocol? How do you avoid getting fake blood (or whatever is this year’s protest fad) on your I-just-want-to-hear-the-man-speak clothes? You don’t want to walk into the venue looking like you just butchered a cow.

It is THE MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS to our rescue! REASON is mightier than the protest sign. LOGIC speaks louder than the bullhorn. And pepper spray is handy too, in case they won’t listen to FACTS.

Damn Dirty Hippie – “I don’t like George W Bush.”

“Well I don’t like George Clooney, but I’d never think of denying that pompous ass the right to speak his mind. Don’t you believe in freedom of speech? Freedom of expression?

“Let’s hear what Bush has to say about his presidency, then we can debate it like reasonable adults.

“Wait until after the lecture and I will tell you what was said, as there will be no press admitted.”

Miscreant’s Lament – “George W Bush made some bad decisions.”

“I do not concede that any of his decisions were poor… but even so would he not then have even more learning to share?

“Which Einstein would you rather listen to, the 1944 Einstein certain a unified theory would soon be discovered, or the wiser 1949 Einstein who had already spent years trying?

“Which Alan Greenspan has more to offer? He who praised the rise of the sub-prime mortgage industry, or he who later found his faith in deregulation “shaken”?

“Which Hitler has more to teach us? The brash 1930s Hitler taking over Europe? Or the enriched-by-his-life-experiences Hitler of 1945 with far more to say about effective leadership?”

Nut Job – “Bush is indirectly responsible for dead Canadian soldiers.”

“When Canada followed the U.S. into Afghanistan to help destroy al-Qaeda after the 9/11 attacks, there was no binding contract signed by Dubya that they’d stay in Afghanistan to finish the job along side us.

“Following the best information available to him at the time and God’s will, Bush believed the United States itself was faced with the possibility of a nuclear attack from Iraq and the safest course of actions was to topple Saddam’s regime.

“Don’t you remember Saddam? The evil tyrant? You get all jazzed up about Bush, Bush did this, Bush did that. Well Saddam was the real deal: gassing his citizens , colluding with al-Qaeda and killing Nelson Mandela.

“If it wasn’t for Canada helping to “hold the Afghan fort” while Bush took care of his Saddam problem, Saddam would be lobbing nukes right into Canada.”

Doe Eyed Innocent – “Bush is a war criminal. He makes my eyes rain.”

“The Canadian War Crimes Annual Report states:

The most effective way to deny safe haven to people involved in or complicit in war crimes or crimes against humanity is to prevent them from coming to Canada.

“Since Bush is clearly being allowed in to Canada by the RCMP, it does not
stand to reason that he is a war criminal. A war criminal who was complicit in violations of the Geneva Convention would have been denied entry.”

If you can’t memorize our recommended responses, don’t panic! Protesters operate in a drug induced haze, and can barely follow complex concepts. In a pinch, simply point behind the trouble maker and shout “It’s Bush! Get him!” While he’s attempting to perform a citizens arrest on a mailbox, simply walk on inside.

And remember that as one of the lucky ticket holders, each of you are representing 700 Calgarians who couldn’t get or afford passes. Calgary is in the big leagues now. Don’t screw it up for us by asking any awkward questions, m’kay?

Geoff Pradella

“We’ve had what I would describe as a pretty favorable response so far. People seem to be very interested in hearing the forty-third president, you know, within 60 days of the end of his term… …I think this is a real reflection of Calgary’s growing international stature.”

Norman Leach

“Of all the places in the world that he could have chosen, he has chosen Calgary. I think it’s a really good sign for Calgary and its place in the world.”

Sunflower Blossom

“This is disgusting! He’s a war criminal! I’m gonna get off my lazy ass and protest, just as soon as I finish another hit off this bong… …oh wow… this couch is comfy.”

Here’s hoping that the miscreants put their time to better use, like feeding the homeless, finding jobs or volunteering at the Calgary Chamber of Commerce.

Gordon McDowell