Things I’d Steal Were I Homeless

by Crom

I’m sure, considering the way in which I live my life that sooner or later I’m going to end up living on the street. Not for lack of intelligence or cunning, but more due to a total and complete lack of faith in the system we’ve created for ourselves to follow in everyday living. My hatred for people’s neurotic meltdown tendencies coupled with their plenary refusal to see that most of the misery they feel is of their own making; working jobs they hate, chasing shit they don’t need, and wearing the golden handcuffs of life. I feel the need, due partially to nine years of Scouts, to plan the items I will no doubt require when I am finally bequeathed to the warm bosom of concretes loving embrace.


1. Pop Tent – All Seasons. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory; this is the first of luxury items I will obtain. The pop tent is to street dwelling, what the hotel is to monopoly: you’ve progressed past the initial stage, and committed to the game, hard core. Plus, it can be stuffed back into its lycra/nylon bag at the end of the sleeping shift, and stored conveniently in a backpack, or hung off a belt.

2. Ruck Sack – Military Issue. I know what you’re thinking “why not just get a paper route bag?” well; mostly because in order to get that, I’d have to mug a paper boy, and seriously, just because you’re living on the street doesn’t give you license to pull that kind of shit out of the hat. I’d also say a bike messenger bag, but it would probably be too nice, and some fucker would steal it from me while I was rummaging for stuff, or taking a shit. Trust no one.

3. Duct Tape – 10 pack. Seriously, you can make PANTS out of this stuff for fuck sake, there’s no end to how useful it would be. You can repair things with it, create objects, Duct Tape is like the gauntlet of eternity for homeless folks, how they don’t give this stuff away at drop in centers remains a total mystery to me.

4. Jesus Portrait – Cedar framed. Now I’m basically working in the dark with this one, but I’ve come into contact with a fairly large cross-section of homeless folks in my travels, and each one had some sweet hook that not only signaled them as being partially crazed, but also got them sweet green. I could chant his name while I hold the picture aloft, or perhaps scream sermons in his name from atop an old fruit box, or just carry it with me everywhere I go, in the hopes that I’d get a sweet reputation around the neighborhood (“dude, its Street Jesus coming this way, he’ll kick us some mad knowledge, lets give him 3 bucks”) You get me, right? Right.

5. Trust Fund – Millions. Now how one would go about “stealing” a trust fund, I still haven’t really worked out, but I’m sure the logistics will come to me before the event, so I’m not really sweating it. The important thing will be for me to screech the existence of this trust fund at enough people to start the rumour that it exists. It would have a dual effect: the first part being that almost anyone who heard it would say “Well if he has all this cash, why is he living on the street?” Which harkens back to the days of Christopher Lloyd and his role of Jim on “Taxi”; people would speculate that the money couldn’t help the real problem, or they’d think that maybe some evil step-brother was keeping me from the cash under the guise that my mental state was such that I’d waste it all on junk food and horse racing tickets. The other effect would be the second-guessers, all those who really wouldn’t believe that it could exist, and as such think I’m even CRAZIER for claiming that it exists, and that it’s all in my head. Perfect, checkmate world.

Well I’m sure by now some are thinking I’m either an idiot or joking, but nothing could be further from the truth. If I’m going to spend my days talking to parking meters and making cardboard signs, then by god I’m going to make the most of it. Each of these items will no doubt help me in my struggle against the corporate megaplex, and their evil machinations. They will no longer track me with low interest rates, and bonus point plans. No longer will I be a slave to the sinister agents of the body politic, I will be free. Oh, and seriously, I’ll take your shit if you leave it lying around, I’ll need it.

  • Things I’d Steal Were I Homeless
  • by Crom
  • Published on August 1st, 2004

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