Crom Interviews Serpentor
Crom’s interviewee is a notorious leader of hundreds of battle hardened zealots whose eventual goal is total domination of the earth. Born from the genetic material of some of histories greatest conquerors and the twisted genius of Dr. Mindbender. Ladies and Gentlemen, Please welcome today’s guest: Serpentor!
Crom: Well, welcome Serpentor, I hope you’re comfortable.
Serpentor: COBRA LA, COBRA LA, COBRA LA LA LA LA
Crom: ..um..yeah…so would you say..
Serpentor: COBRA LA, COBRA LA!
Crom: OK! COBRA LA, Fuck, We GET it, you love Cobra, can we please do the rest of the interview.
Serpentor: Yes, we can. Where is my Evian? Evian is the only thing I’ll drink, bring me Evian, THIS I COMMAND!
Crom: There’s some right there, on the table behind you.
Serpentor: Ah..I …see. Well good. Continue with your questions. Mm, cinnamon buns…
Crom: So you’re the product of some of histories greatest generals, commanders and rulers, how would you say they’ve influenced you?
Serpentor: Well almost every single one of the people that make up my genetic matrix had some kind of serious psychological issues; dementia, inferiority, varying psychoses, I’m up and down more then an elevator. I’m on several medications.
Crom: Would you say that the med’s are partly responsible for some of the pendulum swings we’ve seen in your leadership since you became the de facto face man for Cobra?
Serpentor: Oh definitely, I mean one day I’m stuffing benzedrine down my throat like cheesecake at fat camp, and the next I’m eating meprobamate like peanut butter M&M’s. I think sooner or later I’m going to just crash out and start snorting coke off Baroness’ tits. That’ll be a dark day for Cobra LA! Oops, sorry, habit.
Crom: No problem. Tell me, you have an almost unceasing power struggle in the ranks of your organization, how often would you say that interference from Cobra Commander or others in the command structure has foiled the plans for world domination.
Serpentor: Oh jesus, don’t even get me started on these people. I know that some of our plans haven’t been the greatest ever, but considering the sheer numbers we have you’d think some of them would work. But, the moment we come up against the Joe’s, Baroness starts shrieking like a little girl, Cobra Commander spews out orders that are in constant conflict with the strategy, and Destro just starts blowing everything he sees up. Half the time our own H.I.S.S.’s are taken down by his idiotic targeting. CC gets on my nerves all the time, he thinks he’s got this brilliant ploy cooked up, but it’s complete garbage. Most of the time his plans go in the crapper, because he’s too busy being a motherfucking showboat! Destro needs a watchful eye too, I can tell he wants total control, but at least he’s better at hiding it then that hooded retard.
Crom: So is all your time taken up with plotting the take over of the free world?
Serpentor: Oh no, sometimes I’ll throw on a pair of jeans and hit up a nice coffee house in Seattle and read some of my poetry.
Serpentor: Oh yeah, I’ve come up with some great stuff. I think it really realizes the agony that is being me. Here I’ll read you some…
Crom: No , that’s okay I’m goo…
Serpentor: ?Hiss, Hiss, the snake slithers through the grass..?
Crom: oh god… this isn’t really where I wanted this to go, maybe we could come back to your struggle with the Joe’s…
Serpentor: ?Hiss, Hiss, the glowing sun the snake tastes..?
Crom: One sec, I just need to eat this…
BAM (*editors note: the recording this was transcribed from picked up what sounded like Crom eating a shotgun blast).
- Crom Interviews Serpentor
- by Crom
- Published on September 1st, 2005
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