Stupid Callers

by The Lotus Queen

For those who don’t know, CJSW is Calgary’s campus/community radio station. We play all kinds of underground music that you won’t hear anywhere else. I specialize in jungle/drum n bass on my show.) We often give out the phone number at CJSW. Unlike the mainstream radio stations, it is really easy for anyone to call in. And I mean anyone! Here are 10 pieces of proof that people’s ears, mouths, fingers and brains are not connected. The phone should be a privilege, not a right for some people. (These calls were all real. I had the joy of talking to these people myself.)

1. “I have something to say: I tuned in to hear music, not you talking, so I am calling to let you know I am tuning out RIGHT NOW!!” I am soooo sad that a moron like you is no longer listening to my show. Whatever shall I do?

2. “Can you play Bohemian Rhapsody?” Tee hee, ok!.

3. “What kind of music do you guys play?…Drum and Bass? Do you play “hits”?” Nothing but the hits here. Hit me baby one more time with these calls.

4. “I have a question for your listeners. I was talking with this girl I know and she asked me, in an English accent, do I hate the Romans? So maybe you could put the question out to your listeners. Ask them do you hate the Romans…But you have to use the accent…No, she’s not from the psych ward, she’s quite normal. Oh, you’re having technical problems…I could put you through to Tech Support.” (Read: friends giggling in background) Here’s a good anti-drug argument if there ever was one.

5. “I want to hear tekno-dance! Like Friday. Jungle…that is so hard. I want tekno-dance…I listen Friday…you must be new.” The rest of this was incomprehensible due to a thick accent and a limited English vocabulary. Not really stupid, just weird.

6. “Where’s the punk rock?! Me and my friends, we’re just sitting here, smokin’ some weeeed and we want the punk rock….I mean this dance-party stuff is all well and good but can’t you just play some punk rock?…I know but we’ve been sitting up all night waiting and we need the punk rock to create, you know, the atmosphere, blah blah blah.” This guy just couldn’t understand that I wouldn’t play the punk rock but if he waited until my show was over, the next DJ might.

7. When assailed with yet another mainstream rock request, I told the caller that CJAY92 would be happy to play her song. She then whined, “Why can’t YOU play it?!” Trust me, girlie, you won’t like it if I play it.

8. I was doing a contest for some rave tickets and when I said, “hello, what’s the answer to the contest question?” this twit asks if she can put me on hold. Sure! Click. Next caller…

9. This didn’t happen directly to me but when Ayaz, the guy who used to have a show before me had a contest, people were supposed to enter via email. This guy called up and asked, “Do I need to go on the Internet to use email?” You, buddy need a little more help than that.

10. Some guy called up requesting some A-trak. (OK so far). I didn’t have any. “How about ________(insert turntablist track here)?” I didn’t have that either. “Why not?” Because I have been stuck in my neighborhood going from school to work and home. “Where’s your neighborhood?” In the NW. “Where in the NW?” Ok this is getting out of hand! I am not telling you where I live! “So when are you going to go out for dinner with me?” Ummm, never, why? “Because you play good tunes.” Ok, so this isn’t really stupid, just odd. The sentiment is in the right place, albeit in a stalkerish sort of way. You know you’re desperate when…

The Lotus Queen