My One Hundred Dollar List of Shame

by Terence Leung

Somewhere lurking in a basement, a chest or an attic somewhere is an evil beast. An evil box of shame stashed away, perhaps in a pile, a dresser or some drawer.

It’s a shame! And there’s no need to deny it; we all know it exists. We’ve just never bothered to toss it out and why? Because godammit, those CD’s were about twenty bucks apiece and I will simply not throw them out, even though I’d rather stick needles in my foot before I listen to them ever again.

But I was young! I just didn’t know better! We didn’t know better. I mean, when we heard Snow’s “Informer” for the first time, there was nothing better than a white Canadian male going on about something like “I lick yo bum-bum down.”

So let’s share and once we’re done, we can either rightfully toss them where they belong or we can trade them in at a ratio of 10:1 for more crap CD’s at some equally crap record store.

I have again (quite conveniently) whittled my very long list of crap CD’s into a top 5. And yes, I actually paid money for them and yes, I am quite embarrassed. So do you know what I want in return? I want you to use the discussion forum and give me your top 5 as well. You know, so I can laugh at somebody as well. Here goes:

1. Bryan Adams: Waking Up the Neighbourhood

Ah yes, my very first album. There was nothing more satisfying than playing air guitar to “House Arrest” sung by a man whose vocal chords are propelled exclusively by phlegm.

2. Tom Cochrane: Mad Mad World

“Life is a highway/I want to ride it/all night long.” That chorus, when I was 11 years old were the words force-fed to a nation to reaffirm our faith in Canadian rock. And at 11 years old, it worked. Now, (chuckle) it sounds kind of funny. Hehehe…

Crap, it looks like I haven’t grown up after all.

3. Vanilla Ice : To the Extreme

I don’t think any explanation is actually necessary here…

Although for anyone out for a good time, I heartily recommend his first and (mercifully) last movie, “Cold as Ice.” Leave the Ebert in you at the door.

4. C&C Music Factory: Gonna Make You Sweat

This is getting worse and worse. By my count, there’s eighty dollars here that could have been used for other useless things.

That’s definitely one of the things that make you go hmmm.

You see that! A pun! Comedy! Haha!

Somebody please punch me in the face.

5. Eric Clapton: Pilgrim

I think my stomach churned and turned itself inside out when I heard this. It was a sad moment in music for me to see a once brilliant guitar-playing supernatural being reduce himself to making Willy Wonka candy R&B; although it tasted more like rotting croutons to me. This album pretty much killed my argument that Clapton was a better guitar player than Hendrix.

So, that’s my one hundred dollar list of shame. But that’s not what worries me, who’s to say that the stuff I listen to now isn’t utter tripe and drivel a couple years down the road? That’s what worries me. Although many, including I, revere a band like Radiohead and consider them Pink Floyd: Year 2001 (or whatever groundbreaking British band from the late 60’s. Whichever you like, you know what I mean), who knows? They could be the next Journey you know.

Bah, taste is a fickle thing. I just hope it won’t cost me one hundred dollars next time.

Oh, and get your ass to that forum, I want to see that top 5.

Terence Leung