Diamond in the shit
I was at the movies the other night, to see blade 2, and after the long period of being hunkered down in my chair , that was made for a midget and probably installed by people who were fired for smoking too much reefer and drinking bud on the job, the movie began. Of course the actual movie didn’t begin, come on now, we need that 3 hour window for bullshit advertisements and trailers for movies that will suck to happen. And while I was there, I saw something that never should have happened. Jason X. That’s right, the next in the series of Friday the 13th movies. Now, we were all under the impression ‘ol jasey boy was dead as disco, and hopefully going to stay that way. I know I speak for everyone here when I say I’d rather watch Jeff Speakman make an Oscar attempt then watch anymore of the slasher pics. But, since someone in Hollywood felt the need to spend England’s Gross Per Capita on some played out shit, here comes the pain.
There are no actors of any renown in the film, which stands to reason, they salary low and keep the overhead down to shit all so they can produce this blight on society , and hopefully make some bucks off the cult following of Jason Voorhees or however you spell that motherfuckers name. Just so you know, I’ve been awake way too long, and I’ve been supplementing my intelligence with caffeine and sugar. Now! The sad part is that somehow, even if I were to bomb all the theaters , a la Capone boot liquor styles, they would somehow make some money off this piece of shit. Allowing them to create more pieces of shit. I don’t get it. Most of the really amazing movies I’ve ever seen have been made with like 10 bucks and a super 8 camera, edited in an alley with scotch tape, and screened in a rented out porno theater. So what the hell are the goofs in the big money section doing? Perhaps if they didn’t have some flow-charted formula for how to make cash, that they hand to every hack ex-German filmmaker director they hire to make this shit, it would allow for a fucking shred of creativity and intelligence to enter the films. The likes of Kevin Smith are few and far between; if you’ve ever seen “Clerks” then you know what I mean about producing gold from nothing.
I could make a better movie with a broken Hi-8, 50 bucks and wood kicker that I could launch myself off of on an old kuwahara.
People would watch that, I guarantee. In fact I have a good Burger king drive in lead in that could launch me into a brick wall. Fucking 100’s of laughs a minute with that shit.
I think that we need to create some kind of paramilitary organization who’s entire mandate is to destroy studios that make shit like this, before they finish it. Only violent action can counter the horrifyingly bad film making going on right now. I’m prepared to prove I can make a better movie, with less money. I think we should band together, raise some cash and make a movie ourselves. It’s becoming more and more obvious that the Big-H produced movies are getting worse and worse. I’ve written this in the early hours of the morning and have no empirical data with which to prove my already thinning point. All I can say is that we’ve all witnessed the apocalyptic nature of bad movies. And we, in turn, must stop them.
- Diamond in the shit
- by Crom
- Published on April 1st, 2002
More from Crom:
-
Ground control to Major Tom
…I figure if you want to have true reality programming, get about 150 guys together, promise them a small appliance, and leave them in a dirt pit with nothing but Beer and Angel Dust…
-
Soda Pop will destroy the universe
..They’ll battle it out over the precious remaining ingredients in the world, and kill each other for last drops of caramel colour..
-
Walk Away
..So many people speak of a job that’s more then a job. Something they can care about. And, any job is pointless if you care nothing for it. Unless you’re whole motivation is to receive that glorious pay cheque every 2 weeks.
-
Crom’s Letter to the Editor of Cosmopolitan
.your magazine being so obviously targeted at women in the early twenties to late forties, it begs the question, what could I, a 25 year old Male Canadian really have to say about Cosmo..
-
Possible Conspiracies Against Me
I’ve come to realize that these conspiracies reaches all points of commerce and politics at work in the world today.
-
Audio R4NT #3
Tune in and hear it for yourself
Other recent features:
-
O Restaurant & Lounge revisited
Calgary has a diverse set of urban communities, most of which have the ubiquitous strip mall watering hole. In the South West community of Marda Loop, a reinvention of this paradigm has been established.
-
Predictions 2010.. and beyond!
So 2010 eh? Almost but not quite (no year zero they say) another decade? It seems like just yesterday that the world was waiting for Y2K. R4NT started publishing in March 2001, so we’re not quite 10 years old yet, but in internet years we are already a senior citizen.
-
Invictus
No matter what, the reality of Nelson Mandela is something that deserves screen time. Should this film even remotely intrigue the masses to take interest in this figure, the world would likely benefit greatly from it.
-
The Road Less Traveled.
The 3PO characters take on a life of their own, for the cartoonist, a serious approach to the development of the characters is taken to deliver Rankel’s ideas in the best possible light, in the most humoring light.
-
Rocky Mountain Food and Wine Festival 2009
For the first few years, we saw it through the eyes of guests and we kept coming for the wide assortment of beers, spirits and wine. We enjoyed the wide swath of restaurants and retails showing off their samples of delectable nosh.
-
Runnin The Poirier Riddim
If you can’t handle hard hitting, body jerking, up tempo beats and heavy bass fused together with dancehall, kuduru, soca, afrobeat and blaring horn sounds, then you are in no way ready for the riddims Poirier has to deliver.