You manage to open your eyes, and can feel gravity crushing you. The back of your throat is so dry you entertain making a sand garden in it, and water is the chief concern on your mind. Dwarven miners have discovered a deposit of mithril in the base of your skull and they’re using blasting powder to get at it. Your equilibrium is shot, muscle control is gone and you can barely remember why you did this to yourself in the first place. That’s right campers, you got the hangover. The wonderful mind splitting torture session that is all booze hounds glorious boon. So now you’ve got to figure out how to make the clog wearing dance team that’s using your head for a studio stop dancing. There’s a hundred and one old wives tales and general misconceptions on how to stop the pain and suffering, herein we shall debunk and reveal.
First off there’s the crowd that always insists you should have a bottle of Advil or Tylenol handy, and that it will involve itself in many different aspects of your recovery. Well, they’re wrong. The most common cure is to leave two Tylenol and a glass of water at the side of the bed, so when you wake up, you down the Tylenol, drink the glass of water and go back to sleep for a few hours. Most of the pain drugs that supposedly deal with headache and so on, are not going to do you any good. Especially your body, they may have a marginal effect on how you feel at the moment, but in the long run dumping more chemicals into your body, that’s already trying to get a lot of crap OUT, is only going to tax your liver and kidneys, which means slower recovery time. In one horrifying article I read they suggested 4 Tylenol in a 4 hour period, I can’t even begin to tell you how bad of an idea that is when you’re in perfect health, never mind that your body is currently warring with several factions of your internal organs. Forget any chemical aide; it won’t do anything but betray you. Instead concentrate on the water part of the solution. The only verifiable pill popping you should do is possibly down some vitamin E before going to bed. Vitamin E is one of the major chemicals robbed from you in the binge drinking process, and giving your body a healthy supply of it will help you wage war. This has been field tested, and does in fact have noticeable effects.
The best attack you can lay out is the double pronged before/after attack. If you’re actually conscious when you stop drinking and start thinking about dying for the night, down 3 glasses of water. Water is what’s been sucked out of you, and it’s what you need to return. Dropping an H bomb in your guts before crashing will make waking up a better experience. Now if you don’t have the choice, because you passed out like a shit heap on someone’s floor, or you were too messed up to do it before going to bed, you’re gonna have to get up and get some water when you wake. It will feel like someone’s trying to kill you, but struggling your way to the kitchen and throwing a liter or two of water down your neck, before stumbling back, will rocket you to victory. The second part of the attack is eating. Once you’ve actually managed to haul your smelly carcass out of bed, you should eat. Most people don’t because they figure they’re going to vomit it all over someone, but eating gives your body somewhere to put this trash. Warning, you will experience some of the fieriest dumps ever after you’ve been boozing. If that’s too much for you to handle: don’t drink.
Don’t only drink water, later on a glass of pop, or other sugary soft drinks, can help. A lot of your electrolytes have been drained out of you, and this stuff has the goods to replace it. I recommend something fairly healthy to eat as well, salad or heavy on the veggies. Eating a slab of red meat won’t do you any good, even at the best of times, it’ll lay in your guts like a fatty time bomb waiting for the wrong moment to make its presence known. An unregistered study has determined that McDonalds is very edible after a night of drinking, and can soak up a lot of alcohol in the body, but be wary, it , like the red meat, has a dark side that can claim even the stoutest of men. Just remember, water is your friend, and the faster you’re up and moving and eating, the faster you’ll lose that 5 pounds of crap in a two pound bag feeling. Happy Friggin’ New Year.
- Bloodshot SkEyes
- by Crom
- Published on January 1st, 2003
More from Crom:
North by Northwest
I’m breaking the old R4NT technology out of the cedar chest and busting yet another editorial cap in the ass of another victim.
The .ini-way to hell
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We live vicariously through all these sad documentaries, while clutching hopelessly to our sense of security like a childs safety blanket. I think we’ve grown so detached from our neighbors and co-workers that we glue ourselves to the tube and witness these things in some attempt to understand them..
Ladies and Gentlemen of the House.
…In their 1969, Charger, painted orange with the confederate flag on the top, and named “The General Lee” they raced, burned, jumped, peeled, rocketed, cannon balled and buffed out…
After his success with the invention of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell wrote a letter to his uncle, who was also an inventor..
Do you remember the first time you ever read r4nt? I do. I remember because it was the original issue, and it wasn’t even live on the internet yet..
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