You manage to open your eyes, and can feel gravity crushing you. The back of your throat is so dry you entertain making a sand garden in it, and water is the chief concern on your mind. Dwarven miners have discovered a deposit of mithril in the base of your skull and they’re using blasting powder to get at it. Your equilibrium is shot, muscle control is gone and you can barely remember why you did this to yourself in the first place. That’s right campers, you got the hangover. The wonderful mind splitting torture session that is all booze hounds glorious boon. So now you’ve got to figure out how to make the clog wearing dance team that’s using your head for a studio stop dancing. There’s a hundred and one old wives tales and general misconceptions on how to stop the pain and suffering, herein we shall debunk and reveal.
First off there’s the crowd that always insists you should have a bottle of Advil or Tylenol handy, and that it will involve itself in many different aspects of your recovery. Well, they’re wrong. The most common cure is to leave two Tylenol and a glass of water at the side of the bed, so when you wake up, you down the Tylenol, drink the glass of water and go back to sleep for a few hours. Most of the pain drugs that supposedly deal with headache and so on, are not going to do you any good. Especially your body, they may have a marginal effect on how you feel at the moment, but in the long run dumping more chemicals into your body, that’s already trying to get a lot of crap OUT, is only going to tax your liver and kidneys, which means slower recovery time. In one horrifying article I read they suggested 4 Tylenol in a 4 hour period, I can’t even begin to tell you how bad of an idea that is when you’re in perfect health, never mind that your body is currently warring with several factions of your internal organs. Forget any chemical aide; it won’t do anything but betray you. Instead concentrate on the water part of the solution. The only verifiable pill popping you should do is possibly down some vitamin E before going to bed. Vitamin E is one of the major chemicals robbed from you in the binge drinking process, and giving your body a healthy supply of it will help you wage war. This has been field tested, and does in fact have noticeable effects.
The best attack you can lay out is the double pronged before/after attack. If you’re actually conscious when you stop drinking and start thinking about dying for the night, down 3 glasses of water. Water is what’s been sucked out of you, and it’s what you need to return. Dropping an H bomb in your guts before crashing will make waking up a better experience. Now if you don’t have the choice, because you passed out like a shit heap on someone’s floor, or you were too messed up to do it before going to bed, you’re gonna have to get up and get some water when you wake. It will feel like someone’s trying to kill you, but struggling your way to the kitchen and throwing a liter or two of water down your neck, before stumbling back, will rocket you to victory. The second part of the attack is eating. Once you’ve actually managed to haul your smelly carcass out of bed, you should eat. Most people don’t because they figure they’re going to vomit it all over someone, but eating gives your body somewhere to put this trash. Warning, you will experience some of the fieriest dumps ever after you’ve been boozing. If that’s too much for you to handle: don’t drink.
Don’t only drink water, later on a glass of pop, or other sugary soft drinks, can help. A lot of your electrolytes have been drained out of you, and this stuff has the goods to replace it. I recommend something fairly healthy to eat as well, salad or heavy on the veggies. Eating a slab of red meat won’t do you any good, even at the best of times, it’ll lay in your guts like a fatty time bomb waiting for the wrong moment to make its presence known. An unregistered study has determined that McDonalds is very edible after a night of drinking, and can soak up a lot of alcohol in the body, but be wary, it , like the red meat, has a dark side that can claim even the stoutest of men. Just remember, water is your friend, and the faster you’re up and moving and eating, the faster you’ll lose that 5 pounds of crap in a two pound bag feeling. Happy Friggin’ New Year.
- Bloodshot SkEyes
- by Crom
- Published on January 1st, 2003
More from Crom:
Insider Trader Living
..The judicial system of North America is a deflated tire, on a broken down buick. Rusty doors and broken off side mirrors, complimented by a fat, lazy, stupid, on the take, son of a bitch driving it..
Originality, the forgotten lore
…It seems that anytime a movie deviates from the expected outcome, it’s considered a marvel of cinematography…
Diamond in the shit
..The sad part is that somehow, even if I were to bomb all the theaters , a la Capone boot liquor styles, they would somehow make some money off this piece of shit.
A Dying Reality TV Producer
How come nobody ever thought about having a show, where the contestants have a roast beef fight? You know, running around, laughing, and throwing freshly sliced, warm roast beef.
Bill and Ted’s bogus journey
…Everything is in blackout, we have no clue what’s around us, I just know charlie’s up ahead somewhere and that we’re gonna take care of him right good…
The United States of America can kiss my ass
the American people elected a fucking cowboy to office. They put their fate into the hands of a man I wouldn’t trust with an elastic gun. A man who had the temerity to state he didn’t discount the possibility of using nuclear weapons against countries that have weapons of mass destruction..
Other recent features:
Sónar 2010 – Barcelona, Spain
The festival attracts a lot of outsiders, but the Mediterranean, Spanish and more specifically Catalan nature of the people makes the festival what it is. Catalan people are passionate and this passion is infectious. The atmosphere is electric in Barcelona as a city and heightened by music and intoxicants at Sónar.
Summer Party Naval Styles at Seven RestoLounge
Oysters, like wine are affected by terroir and these Miyagi’s flavor profiles ranged with one showing a cleaner, almost tropical profile and the other being more salty, marine driven. As I was devouring the seemingly endless plates put in front of us, I sipped on a glass of fine sauvignon blanc.
R4NT Radio March 2010
R4NT Radio March 2010 um wow it’s been far too long since the last edition edition, featuring: Hector Hernandez, The Infesticons, Blockhead, Gramatik, Emika, Thunderheist, Parov Stelar, Eddy Meets Yannah, Anti-Pop Consortium, The Slew, Lighterthief, Andreya Triana, Parasyte Woman, Mathon, Venetian Snares, and Funki Porcini.
O Restaurant & Lounge revisited
Calgary has a diverse set of urban communities, most of which have the ubiquitous strip mall watering hole. In the South West community of Marda Loop, a reinvention of this paradigm has been established.
Predictions 2010.. and beyond!
So 2010 eh? Almost but not quite (no year zero they say) another decade? It seems like just yesterday that the world was waiting for Y2K. R4NT started publishing in March 2001, so we’re not quite 10 years old yet, but in internet years we are already a senior citizen.
No matter what, the reality of Nelson Mandela is something that deserves screen time. Should this film even remotely intrigue the masses to take interest in this figure, the world would likely benefit greatly from it.