Crom’s Report Card from the Vincent Price School of Ghoulish Behavior
Crom seems to feel that our teachings on Ghoulish Dress do not conform to his idea of what is “cool” and “comfortable”. Although we have specifically told him that the mode of dress one must adorn to be Ghoulish, is a powder blue suit with white shirt and lacy cravat, black wing-tip shoes and purple velvet cape, he seems to take most of it for granted. He showed up for his final exam in a pair of faded blue jeans, grey flanel t-shirt and a pair of Osiris skate shoes that when questioned he refered to as “The most Fucking bomb ass shoes this side of the equator”. When questioned with regards to the rest of his outfit all he had to say was “Should I wear a wooden box too? ‘Cuz the only way you’d see me in that is at my friggin’ funeral”, he was shocked at his grade, but we keep a particular standard here.
It should be mentioned that the only reason that Crom acheived the grade he did, was the already latently bizarre nature of his mode of speech. While he didn’t use the necessary cape-clutching loom that we teach as standard for all of our speech, he did wave his hands above his head screaming about the injustice of our lunch menu, to the point where the services of the local constabulatory were required, he was adament that our chili bowl was poisoned, despite the number of students who ate it with no complaints. His rationale for this was that the rest of the student body were “fucking robots with the combined IQ of a box of Captain Crunch” at which point he managed to evade the police and make a daring escape via a window he broke with a stone bust of Mr. Price we kept
in the lunch room. It was smashed in his ensuing dash, a one of a kind item destroyed.
We here at the academy insist on a widow’s peak and dyed lightning bolts in the hair, it’s part of the school uniform, and clearly indicated on all the documentation. Crom however felt that this didn’t apply to him, due to his shaved scalp. We informed him that he would need to grow the necessary hair to dye, as well as have it cut into the peak we require. His response was both negative, and extreme. On a sunny afternoon during free study time, he tackled and shaved the head of over 30 students, keeping their hair in a garbage bag, and spreading most of over the lunch table of the Teachers Lounge. He then purchaseda toupee that he dyed blonde and cut in the style of Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue, prior to drinking a 40 ounce bottle of Jack Daniels, and breaking the fire doors. He then stole Professor Jurgens miata and drove it into the pond across campus, claiming it was a tonka toy.
We here at the Academy have chosen not to award Crom with a degree in Ghoulish Behaviour, despite the loose definition of Ghoulish. We stand by the proud vision that Vincent had to make a place where all people, of all walks of like could establish their freakish second nature’s and ambiguity over their status as living or dead.
- Crom’s Report Card from the Vincent Price School of Ghoulish Behavior
- by Crom
- Published on January 1st, 2005
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I made a mistake
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After his success with the invention of the telephone, Alexander Graham Bell wrote a letter to his uncle, who was also an inventor..
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…He couldn’t bend at the knees, or elbows. Once again I was forced to compare this toy to the toys of my youth. GI JOE…
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