Crom feat. Whoever is popular this week?

by Crom

Evidently I wasn’t informed that it was no longer en vogue to make your own songs. Like actually sing them yourself, it’s nothing new that they don’t write songs themselves, but when you can’t even manage to sing the thing alone it’s starting to get frightening. If you’ve turned the idiot box to much music, or for some sick reason listen to the top 40 radio station in your home town (you poor deluded bastards) then you’ve noticed every R&B singer is making their shit featuring someone else. Like…what the fuck. You don’t quite have enough star power. It’s like some retarded game, suddenly Kid Rock has Waylon Jennings and everybody loses their minds and starts signing up the talent.

Reminiscent of the Simpson’s episode in which Burns hires a whole team of ringers for the company softball team, everyone seems to be loading their roster in order to grab more of the market share. Nelly is hookin it up with Furtado, Aguilera is grabbing Method Man, and so on… it’s a grab bag of R&B hack work. You can hook up with an out of work rapper just by dropping a dime. I think we have Run DMC to blame, I don’t think there’s anyone over 20 years old who doesn’t remember the horrible abortion of a team up that was Run DMC vs. Aerosmith. I still have nightmares about that, and I think I was in junior high when it happened. I think they have this twisted idea that if you mash together enough notable singers, you can create some kind of energy matrix that will brain wash everyone into buying your records. On a side note I’d like to take a moment and address everyone’s concern over the latest Christina Aguilera “production” known as Nasty. The video for which depicts her scantily clad dancing around with other scantily clad people, undulating and gyrating to the beat of her music. So naturally every right-wing christian group phones in and the distraught mothers write their letters and everybody shits the bed because this supposed teenage icon is up to no good. Look you morons, Madonna did the same thing 10 years ago, and the same reaction occurred. It’s to sell records, so why don’t we all stop with this moralistic debate about what Aguilera’s angle is, and why she did it. Money. Period, that’s the ultimate deity of the recording industry.

This of course leads us back to this rampant disease of bringing 40 different “Artists” in on a track, and then listing their names off like a kill list. Plus they have this thing where they cross over genre’s, we’ll make a track with Method Man and Limp Biscuit (yes it is spelt wrong. Ha.). Look there’s a reason that you don’t have rap and metal together, you don’t cross the streams. Imagine all life as you know it spontaneously ending and all the molecules of your body exploding at the speed of light. Total Protonic Reversal. Soon we’re going to end up with a cacophony of garbage that no one can stand listening to, but young kids will simply to remain a different generation. That’s what we have to look forward to, an entire world of mixed together techno-country-rock ballads whose purpose is to define the youth of today as being something different from their parents. Yet another casualty in the war to be non-conformist; I’d like a group of people to come out and say it, just be conformist. You’re already 9/10th’s of the way there right now by trying to be different. Warning the whole 70’s nostalgia craze is over. Maybe if we get everyone to relax and just be at peace with what they enjoy doing, instead of freaking out about whether it’s different from every other thing…ever, we can just listen to Chopin, featuring NO ONE. So here’s the clear message to the recording industry:

If this is your attempt to make music so shitty that we don’t WANT to pirate it, you’re doing a wonderful job. I hope you enjoy poverty.

*featuring: D.Paul, Speedracer, K_Oss, Doss, Gabriel, Nik, My dead fish, Spork, a can of tuna, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse®, Ted Bronson, and Berry Jive w/ the Uptown Five.

Crom