Crom Interviews: Mumm-Ra

by Crom

Crom’s subject this issue is The Ever Living devil priest of Third Earth. The sound of his maniacal laugh emenating from his dreaded Black Pyramid makes the blood run cold of any man, woman, or feline. With an unending thirst for power, ladies and gentlemen…


Crom: Alrighty, awesome to have you here Mumm-Ra, it’s a great pleasure to interview you.

MR: Yeah, listen happy pants, I got two words for you: Hung. Over. So please, cut out that cheery shit, and lets get this show on the road.

Crom: Oh…kay… Well, considering the length of time that you’ve been alive, and the obvious evil power that you wield, I suppose the most important question is, Why do all of your plans fall apart so miserably?

MR: Whoa, easy buddy, I don’t see you enslaving the vicious Berserkers and commanding them to do your bidding, I don’t see YOU getting Slithe and Monkian to take care of your business. Why don’t you save the critique for when you’ve accomplished some evil there sonny. Besides, if you ever watch those mutant bastards at work, you would understand the kind of pressure I was under. I mean jesus, those fools couldn’t find daybreak in orbit.

Crom: So what is a typical day in the life of Mumm-ra? Do you spend some time with the minions, go over the evil plans, have some strategy sessions or..

MR: Listen, I’m going to have to interrupt you there. My heads killing me, have you got any Tylenol, or aspirin?

Crom: Aspirin…for a Mummy? How exactly does the physiology of someone…or thing…that is already dead, work in such a way as to cause your head to hurt? Is your blood pressure up? How the FUCK does a mummy even GET hung over?

MR: Listen shithead, have you ever allowed Jaggermeister to touch your lips? That stuff is so powerful that it could probably give a brick wall a hang over. Jesus, that stuff could actually bring the dead back to life. Maybe you oughta get out once in a blue moon, check out the scene. Hit a few bars…

Crom: Wait…are you telling me, that the reason you were late, and the reason you feel bad right now, is that YOU, a mummy, went out last night, to a BAR, and got DRUNK, and are now hung over?

MR: Wow…Mr. Wizard? Is that You? Who the fuck hired you to interview people? That’s some decisive journalism!

Crom: Hey at least I was….

MR: OH! I got me a Pen! And, a clipboard, and a DICK-ta-phone, now I can be the new Mike Wallace, I’m on sixty minutes! I remember when I was interviewed by Barbara Walters, and Mick Taison for Playboy, the Thundercats badboy is A-list, and I don’t think I need some snot nosed new comer telling me…

Crom: Hey! Listen up you bandaged up asshole, the last time your face graced television was 21 years ago, and possibly a couple of times since in some kind of nerdist misty-eyed remembrance ceremony for the lost action of the 80’s. You were by far the worst villain to ever fight a hero in any show. Skeletor would WIPE his ASS with your clothing, and then go and do something more brilliant with his eyes closed then anything you EVER did. In fact, I think a lot of people are wondering how you ever get around when you have to return to the Black Pyramid to recharge after you’ve walked 10 blocks. So take that bottle of water, and the complimentary muffin basket, and get the FUCK out of here. I don’t even understand WHY the magazine decided to

(Editors note: at this point it sounds as if Crom is smashing the tape recorder with his bare hands. Recording ends.)

  • Crom Interviews: Mumm-Ra
  • by Crom
  • Published on February 1st, 2006

More from :

Other recent features: