Things I’d Steal Were I Homeless
I’m sure, considering the way in which I live my life that sooner or later I’m going to end up living on the street. Not for lack of intelligence or cunning, but more due to a total and complete lack of faith in the system we’ve created for ourselves to follow in everyday living. My hatred for people’s neurotic meltdown tendencies coupled with their plenary refusal to see that most of the misery they feel is of their own making; working jobs they hate, chasing shit they don’t need, and wearing the golden handcuffs of life. I feel the need, due partially to nine years of Scouts, to plan the items I will no doubt require when I am finally bequeathed to the warm bosom of concretes loving embrace.
Items:
1. Pop Tent – All Seasons. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory; this is the first of luxury items I will obtain. The pop tent is to street dwelling, what the hotel is to monopoly: you’ve progressed past the initial stage, and committed to the game, hard core. Plus, it can be stuffed back into its lycra/nylon bag at the end of the sleeping shift, and stored conveniently in a backpack, or hung off a belt.
2. Ruck Sack – Military Issue. I know what you’re thinking “why not just get a paper route bag?” well; mostly because in order to get that, I’d have to mug a paper boy, and seriously, just because you’re living on the street doesn’t give you license to pull that kind of shit out of the hat. I’d also say a bike messenger bag, but it would probably be too nice, and some fucker would steal it from me while I was rummaging for stuff, or taking a shit. Trust no one.
3. Duct Tape – 10 pack. Seriously, you can make PANTS out of this stuff for fuck sake, there’s no end to how useful it would be. You can repair things with it, create objects, Duct Tape is like the gauntlet of eternity for homeless folks, how they don’t give this stuff away at drop in centers remains a total mystery to me.
4. Jesus Portrait – Cedar framed. Now I’m basically working in the dark with this one, but I’ve come into contact with a fairly large cross-section of homeless folks in my travels, and each one had some sweet hook that not only signaled them as being partially crazed, but also got them sweet green. I could chant his name while I hold the picture aloft, or perhaps scream sermons in his name from atop an old fruit box, or just carry it with me everywhere I go, in the hopes that I’d get a sweet reputation around the neighborhood (“dude, its Street Jesus coming this way, he’ll kick us some mad knowledge, lets give him 3 bucks”) You get me, right? Right.
5. Trust Fund – Millions. Now how one would go about “stealing” a trust fund, I still haven’t really worked out, but I’m sure the logistics will come to me before the event, so I’m not really sweating it. The important thing will be for me to screech the existence of this trust fund at enough people to start the rumour that it exists. It would have a dual effect: the first part being that almost anyone who heard it would say “Well if he has all this cash, why is he living on the street?” Which harkens back to the days of Christopher Lloyd and his role of Jim on “Taxi”; people would speculate that the money couldn’t help the real problem, or they’d think that maybe some evil step-brother was keeping me from the cash under the guise that my mental state was such that I’d waste it all on junk food and horse racing tickets. The other effect would be the second-guessers, all those who really wouldn’t believe that it could exist, and as such think I’m even CRAZIER for claiming that it exists, and that it’s all in my head. Perfect, checkmate world.
Well I’m sure by now some are thinking I’m either an idiot or joking, but nothing could be further from the truth. If I’m going to spend my days talking to parking meters and making cardboard signs, then by god I’m going to make the most of it. Each of these items will no doubt help me in my struggle against the corporate megaplex, and their evil machinations. They will no longer track me with low interest rates, and bonus point plans. No longer will I be a slave to the sinister agents of the body politic, I will be free. Oh, and seriously, I’ll take your shit if you leave it lying around, I’ll need it.
- Things I’d Steal Were I Homeless
- by Crom
- Published on August 1st, 2004
More from Crom:
-
Everything was Great… till we brought the wrath of god down on ourselves.
..If we don’t start getting our heads pulled from our asses, the brimstone will be raining down on our heads, and your patented Eddie Bauer umbrella will last about as long as a gay parade in Revelstoke…
-
The 6 ½ reasons I woke up drunk in Perkins
..what chain of events were so skewed as to leave me stranded at a all night diner, a long way from home, extremely inebriated and with little to no recollection of the past 24 hours..
-
Rented Demented
..there’s a process that infuriates me far more then flying, that makes me want to take hostages, and negotiate with no one..
-
A Dying Reality TV Producer
How come nobody ever thought about having a show, where the contestants have a roast beef fight? You know, running around, laughing, and throwing freshly sliced, warm roast beef.
-
Crom Interviews Serpentor
A notorious leader of hundred of battle hardened zealots Born from the genetic material of some of histories greatest conquerors and the twisted genius of Dr. Mindbender.
-
KKD An Audio R4NT
These people are there, like omega man, in the dark, waiting. Nobody sees, but I do. Nobody sees, the krispy kreme disease…
Other recent features:
-
Sónar 2010 – Barcelona, Spain
The festival attracts a lot of outsiders, but the Mediterranean, Spanish and more specifically Catalan nature of the people makes the festival what it is. Catalan people are passionate and this passion is infectious. The atmosphere is electric in Barcelona as a city and heightened by music and intoxicants at Sónar.
-
Summer Party Naval Styles at Seven RestoLounge
Oysters, like wine are affected by terroir and these Miyagi’s flavor profiles ranged with one showing a cleaner, almost tropical profile and the other being more salty, marine driven. As I was devouring the seemingly endless plates put in front of us, I sipped on a glass of fine sauvignon blanc.
-
R4NT Radio March 2010
R4NT Radio March 2010 um wow it’s been far too long since the last edition edition, featuring: Hector Hernandez, The Infesticons, Blockhead, Gramatik, Emika, Thunderheist, Parov Stelar, Eddy Meets Yannah, Anti-Pop Consortium, The Slew, Lighterthief, Andreya Triana, Parasyte Woman, Mathon, Venetian Snares, and Funki Porcini.
-
O Restaurant & Lounge revisited
Calgary has a diverse set of urban communities, most of which have the ubiquitous strip mall watering hole. In the South West community of Marda Loop, a reinvention of this paradigm has been established.
-
Predictions 2010.. and beyond!
So 2010 eh? Almost but not quite (no year zero they say) another decade? It seems like just yesterday that the world was waiting for Y2K. R4NT started publishing in March 2001, so we’re not quite 10 years old yet, but in internet years we are already a senior citizen.
-
Invictus
No matter what, the reality of Nelson Mandela is something that deserves screen time. Should this film even remotely intrigue the masses to take interest in this figure, the world would likely benefit greatly from it.