The Anti Anti-Top Ten Songs of the Year List – The Belated Edition

by Terence Leung

Enough! Every year we are absolutely barraged with a torrential downpour of top 10 albums/songs of the year lists of music coming either from the Pop-Culture Essay Enthusiast Association, the Biased By Jaded Critic Group and the My Knowledge Reigns Supreme and No Two-Bit Hack Will Compromise My Overtly Feeble Opinion Society. I personally hold membership with all three, am currently in good standing and will most likely renew my memberships by spending far too much of my life with headphones strapped to my head.

Just imagine what our yearly industry party would be like where we start arguing about the merits of The White Stripes (sample topic: shameless homage to The Ramones or simply better than The Strokes? Discuss..) then facing-off in a duel to the death by reflecting bright lights off crappy CD’s into each other’s eyes and making each other cry by playing Coldplay in the background.

I don’t want to hear about the genius of The Flaming Lips anymore, how quickly we can forget the words Sigur Ros or how Talvin Singh ever won a Mercury Cold Prize. I just want to have a better bloody year and be intoxicated to brand new exhilarating heights come the summertime. It’s a brainless goal, even perhaps an empty one, but at least I know I’ll get there.

It’s just like the radio (where normally, you would probably have to be a wino or on a crack high to listen intently) where it is brainless and hollow. However, it never seems to fail in what it sets out to do: to entertain the masses. Besides all of the repercussions and consequences Adorno & Horkheimer ever talked about (the implosion of art, art becoming facsimiles of one another and blargah, blargah, blargah.. yawn); what the hell is wrong with that? Does it not sometimes take equal doses of brainlessness and stupidity to have some fun?

Damn right it does. I enjoyed ‘Jackass’ just like everyone else. I used to light everything within my grasp on fire just to watch the pretty flames dance with glee. I learned how to whip my index finger against my middle finger by vigorously shaking my wrist in order to make a loud snapping noise. Stupid things, we all need them, sometimes to vent, to relax, or to genuinely enjoy them.

Which brings me to my list of this year. Yes I know, it is March… it takes a fair bit of time to find these gems and discriminate them properly from the fools’ gold. Either that or I’ve sat on these words for far too long and have forgotten about them since January. Nevertheless, it is still a list… a list for 2002? The last 12 months? It doesn’t really matter. It’s just a list sub-consciously compiled throughout the last little while that I can now finally liberate and be mocked or stoned to death.

Here are the top ten songs of my special version of the calendar year that I like and no one else that I know likes and if they knew I liked them they wouldn’t like me anymore because I like them:

10. Emimem: Lose Yourself

It’s kinda like a hip-hop (I use that term loosely) version of our beloved [-begin geek moment here-] Transformers theme song. Not that pansy one from television with equally pansy animation, but the badass one from the movie with the badass Stan Bush. Eminem’s got the touch! He’s got the power! Yeah! [-Geek moment concludes-]

9. Avril Lavigne: Complicated

I like Avril. There, I said it. She’s “real”, rocked on SNL, dances funny and tries to take all credit for writing her songs.

8. Moby: We Are All Made of Stars

David Bowie must want to punch Moby for this one. Unfortunately, Bowie’s decrepit skeletal structure caused by many years of heroin use and cross-dressing would crush his own fist against Moby’s shiny knob. Either that or cash would just spill out of him like a Vegas slot machine. And no… not that knob.

7. Pink: Just Like a Pill

I like Pink. There, I said it. She’s “real”, rocked on Janet Jackson’s VH1 tribute, dances funny and tries to take all credit for writing her songs.

6. Our Lady Peace: Somewhere Out There

Listen to Nickelback, Three Doors Down, Staind, Default and Lifehouse on the radio back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back. Then listen to OLP’s offering. It’s like jumping buck into a sewage system to get a five-dollar bill you dropped. Oh yes, it’s worth it.

5. Counting Crows: American Girls

Well, I’ve always loved the Crows; I just never expected them to go all Hanson/MMMBop stylies on me. It’s a finely crafted tune; one that we won’t laugh at in five years time. At least I won’t. Hold up, does that make MMMBop a finely crafted tune? Crap…

4. Enrique Iglesias: Escape

Ok fine, I like the video more than the song itself. Girl’s get something to look at, Guy’s get something to look at; everybody’s happy.

3. Shania Twain: I’m Gonna Getcha Good

Aside from its utterly priceless-and-not-in-a-good-way lyrics and its simple-as-twinkle twinkle little star melody… wait a minute, why is this on here? Oh yeah, that’s right: because I’m still singing it.

2. Kylie Minougue: Can’t Get You Out of My Head

I believe Kylie just diva-slapped Chris Shepard and all other dance-pop wannabes with this one. Madonna’s found someone else’s shit to swipe and all of a sudden Robbie Williams tries to break into North America one more time.

1. Nelly: Hot in Herre

“Good Gracious / Ass Bodacious!” = LYRIC OF THE YEAR. Bar none, hands down. Everyone bow down to the king. Kiss the band-aid. Have a prosperous and hospitable year.

Terence Leung