Dear Steve Jobs

by Crom

Hey Steve Jobs. How are you today? Are you still crushing the will of those who purchase your products to live? Are you Sowing the seeds of Utopia? Have you recently had a keynote speech that made my bowels shatter a toilet? Probably. I don’t really follow your every movement, so I wouldn’t know the answers to all these questions, but I feel confident about many of them, and the many more that I’m forced to think about on a daily basis. I wish I didn’t but your name comes up so often in conversation and news, that I fear I will never live in a Jobs free environment. Perhaps if I were to punch out my ear drums with a Robertson screwdriver I would achieve this dynamic form of nirvana. And allow me to assure you I mean the blissful mind-state of nirvana, and not the terrible Seattle grunge icon whose leading man couldn’t even live with what he’d created. So please, don’t sue me for mentioning an artist that you have exclusivity rights to downloadable content for.

Tell me Steve, have you been shifting paradigms today? Perhaps you’ve been in your office, coming up with more ass backward attempts to think outside the box. Tell me Steve, is it thinking outside the box when you pack up your stuff, leave the box, and then just make yet another box across the street? Tell me something, do you research any of the products you make in an effort to determine if any human can operate it? Perhaps if you stopped breathing in all that ozone in California and took a moment to notice that most people are not cryptographers you would be doing better. I find the inherent contradiction between Apple’s operating policy of being accessible to all people and the almost alien physical properties you engineer into the systems quite amusing. Yes, you can open the CD drive by dragging it to the trash can…What? Well no, we never thought that maybe somebody would think that would destroy their CD, but we can work that into the next iteration.

I need to thank you buddy, your steadfast mission to make the operating of these devices easier and easier, with no way of dealing with serious system issues, will no doubt continue to make the people around the world complacent and stupid. Why would they bother thinking about whats wrong? Just chuck in the recovery disk and get back to using Sherlock. Oh, and thank you for raping the image of fictions greatest Sleuth with a dim witted and poorly programmed search program. Had he been the one solving London’s greatest crimes, Lex Luthor would probably be running what would be left of the earth.

Steve, buddy, what’s this new line of low priced computers you’re putting out all about? What’s that? You’re trying to break into the low ball computer market…ok. So your plan for continuing a legacy of innovation and art is to follow Dell down the rabbit hole? Well shit, that’s the greatest business I’ve ever heard, destroy your one marketable and might I add, unique, asset by becoming like any other putz fobbing off Taiwanese computer junk knockoffs to people who really don’t know any better. I applauded this vaudeville act we’re going to launch.

Wait, I’ve got it, lets give away another product WITH the crappy computer in order to bring more people into the fold…for instance: The iPod! Why, we’ve been charging three bills for one of these things, but honestly we don’t need that money, lets just hand them out…

Wait.. you’re saying that almost every other manufacturer has made a better mp3 player, with a better battery life, and interchangable media? Well, I guess the only thing to do now, is to create something similar, but still Apple branded enough to be unique, AND unusable in almost any capacity unless you have your computer plugged into it at that exact moment.

Oh shit, some of your stuff is back in our box…how’d that get here?

  • Dear Steve Jobs
  • by Crom
  • Published on February 1st, 2005

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