Canadian Pedophiles Breathe a Sigh of Relief

by Gordon McDowell

In the closest campaign in recent memory, anti-pedophiles in Canada were unable to wrest control of the federal government from their various pro-pedophile opponents.

Political analysts had predicted a narrow win for the anti-pedophile “Conservative” party, but a series of negative campaign ads from both sides in the last week balanced out the polls.

Anti-pedophiles had been hoping the pedophile vote would split evenly across the other 3 (pedophile) parties, granting them a minority government. Canada, like the United States, features 2 major parties. Although the issue of pedophilia has not yet polarized the political landscape in the states, both countries elections are becoming critically affected by the presence of 3rd parties.

2000 saw the (disputed) election of George Bush despite Al Gore receiving a slim majority of the popular vote. Many on the left credit Green party candidate Ralph Nader with taking enough votes from Al Gore to have made the US election contestable.

Anti-pedophiles in Canada, despite being a minority, will be pinning their hopes on the Canada’s smaller pedophile parties stealing away from the major “Liberal” pedophile party.

“But what about the children?”

Conservatives rallying cry of “but what about the children?” helped earn them 99 seats of Canada’s 308. A far cry from the Liberal “fuck the children” party’s 135.

While both parties spent most of their advertising dollars arguing the merits of anti-pornography laws, freedom of speech and “Teen” magazine, the position of most Canadians regarding pedophilia went largely unaltered.

The conservatives issued a press release 4 days before the election headlined “Paul Martin Supports Child Pornography?” The Conservative candidate Stephen Harper followed it with the verbal declaration, “Paul Martin’s record on child pornography is shameful and just another reason why his government must be defeated on June 28.”

Canadians were not impressed, although for reasons which were often ambiguous. As one resident of Calgary lamented “Maybe if Paul would share his stash, we would be in a better position to judge whether it is truly shameful, or just mildly arousing.”

Some conservative strategists had pinned their hopes on the two smaller pedophile parties taking more votes from the Liberals. The National Democratic Pedophiles (NDP) party (“all pedophiles cum together”) had a mixed platform of relaxing Canada’s indecency laws, and protecting health care against privatization.

NDP candidate Jack Layton warned against the prospect of checking into a privately run health clinic to check for venereal diseases. “I’ve been to the United States. I have seen how privatized health care works. They’ll charge you for the very glove they jam up your ass, because for them it’s not about pleasure, it’s only about profit.” NDP won only 19 seats.

The Green party: arguing that man and beast weddings should be legally recognized, and for shifting taxes from income to resources, managed to scrape together 4.2% of the popular vote, but did not win any seats.
Perhaps the Conservatives could have learned a trick or two from their U.S. counterparts. Currently, there is a conservative movement afoot to ensure Ralph Nader, who is running as an independent this year, gets on the ballot in as many states as possible.

“Fuck the children” — Paul Martin

“We’d like to take a few votes away from John Kerry if it would be possible,” said Tim Nashif of the Oregon Family Council, which has been making hundreds of phone calls to members urging them to help get Nader on the ballot. “It’s definitely an interesting scenario, we don’t agree with Ralph Nader’s positions on the issues. . . . We think he’ll take some of the more extreme votes from the other side.”

One Conservative party media director, who would only speak to me on the condition of anonymity, claimed the party was ready to start push polling, in an attempt to drive Liberal voters in the arms of the permissive Greens.

Part of Unused Conservative Push-Poll Script:
“The Green party of Canada wants to legalize sex with children, dogs, and various larger farm animals? Does this make you more or less likely to vote for them?

The campaign to assist the Greens would also have involved putting up uncredited print ads on community billboards featuring a man having sex with a goat while young girl is petting the goat’s head. The caption reads, “The Green Party: We’re not just kidding around.” The sex of the goat is unclear.

Conservatives ultimately decided against trying to draw Liberal voters to the green party.

When asked about these potential maneuvers, all three pedophile parties agreed it was a perversion of the democratic process.

“If Stephen can’t get enough votes by trashing pedophiles, then instead of concerning himself with the Greens, he should concern himself with his party’s boring-ass platform”, commented Liberal spokeswoman (and unelected candidate for a downtown Calgary riding) Julia Turnbull.

The Green party leader Jim Harris became visibly upset when informed about Conservatives aborted plans for push-polling and guerilla tactics.

“The Conservatives are willing to use the same bastardization of the political process which drove them from power in 1993. Back then pedophiles were the minority. But the existence of two anti-pedophile parties split the anti-pedophile vote, leading to the election of the pedophiles, and the subsequent creation of the Internet.”

Jim is referring to the Reform party (“The west wants in”) and the Progressive Conservatives (“Well I get her when you’re done with her”) which both espoused the joys of heterosexual, missionary-style sex.

“They’ve both had their chance for democratic reform, but neither moves on it. The Liberals and Conservatives only have their near duopoly because we are all forced to vote strategically at every election.”

“I hear the same thing every election. I’d really like to fuck farm animals, but I can’t vote Green or the Conservatives will get in. Hell the only small party which doesn’t have to worry about losing support to strategic voting is the Marijuana party ’cause their voters are too baked to do the math.”

“Proportional representation. Or instant runoff voting. Or maybe we just see who can fuck the most FARM animals?” At that point Jim Harris ended our interview.

Is the frustration North American voters feel come election time an unavoidable side effect of democracy? As a Canadian, I have tried both voting strategically, and voting my conscience. Like a trip to the zoo while under close supervision, neither voting option is entirely satisfying.

The Conservative platform promised an elected Senate. NDP’s platform promised proportional representation. But neither of these address the strategic voting dilemma everyone in North America currently faces.

We need a process where Canadians can say, “Goat fucking is good, but if I can’t have that, I’ll settle for a tub of margarine and some Punky Brewster re-runs.”

A process where Americans can say, “Ralph Nader is truly unbeholden to corporate sponsors. But I’ll take an animatronics corporate whore Al Gore over psycho-boy George any day.”

It’s called Instant Runoff Voting.

How IRV Works: Each voter has one vote, and ranks candidates in order of choice (1, 2, 3, etc.). The counting of ballots simulates a series of run-off elections. All first choices are counted, and if no candidate wins a majority of first choices, then the last place candidate (candidate with the least first-choices) is eliminated. Ballots of voters who ranked the eliminated candidate first then are redistributed to their next-choice candidates, as indicated on each voter’s ballot. Last place candidates are successively eliminated and ballots are redistributed to next choices until one candidate remains or a candidate gains over 50% of votes. For more information checkout this website: http://www.fairvote.org/irv/a_fairer_way.htm

Had IRV been used in the states in 2000, Al Gore would have been even-more democratically elected. And people would have been free to explore a Nader candidacy without the fear of George.

In Canada, our election would still have seen Liberals take control of government, since obviously Conservatives were a lot of people’s least desired choice. But smaller parties would have been better represented.

Unfortunately Australia and Ireland are the only countries in which IRV is used. And neither of them has become a goat fucking Mecca.

Gordon McDowell