Bruce Banner Time

by Crom

For those of you who don’t recall, Bruce Banner is the incredible hulk. Exposed to gamma rays during a volatile experiment, Bruce Banner would change into the Hulk whenever his emotions boiled over. He’d get big and green and rip his cowboy boots; he’d usually smash some stuff and run off into the night. Waking after the ordeal Banner would never remember what he’d done in this state, just a blank.

I have become Bruce Banner.

However, there is one saving grace, it only ever happens in one set of circumstances. When I drive. Every time I’m behind the wheel of my truck, something brings about the change. I go from a mild mannered individual to a total fucking psycho in seconds flat. Why you ask? Because people in this town can’t drive.

If I had a nickel for every time some superhero in a tinted-out, too much bass, fuzzy dice, rice’d out, chunk of shit cut me off trying to race down to Metro before the drink specials are over and all the bar sluts are taken, I could open a fucking video store next to a blockbuster and stay afloat for 4 years. You people are the scum of the earth, and you drive like Stevie Wonder. If I had a rocket launcher, I would demonstrate another type of justice.

There’s an even more sinister agent driving about the streets, destroying the lives of everyone who crosses their path. The 30 something’s, those useless bastards driving their fat mini-vans around while their kids jump up and down on the seats screaming. And, to top it off, 60% of them are using a cell phone while  driving.

They are complimented by the old people in Chryslers just bouncing around lanes like a volley of musket fire. These people are the Triumvirate of evil , roaming the streets ruining the lives of others with their mindless conduct.

My only recourse seems to grab the rubik’s cube off my dash and smash it through their windshield in a vain attempt to catch their attention and raise their awareness to how stupid they are. One day you’ll be driving to work and you’ll see me in the middle of a lane of traffic smashing things with my fists and screaming incoherently, all the while the people around me just drive past as if they see it everyday.

One day I’m going to snap, I suggest you vacate the area when I do. Banner never could remember what happened when he went burko, and he couldn’t stop it.

  • Bruce Banner Time
  • by Crom
  • Published on May 1st, 2001

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