Welcome to the Internet, Loser

by The Jerky Bastard

So, like, what is it with the internet? Can someone tell me what it is that draws the world’s technologically challenged to this strange new world of button clicks and scroll bars? What does Grandma Sourcrotch think she can get with 5 email addresses and 10 Megs of web space? A whole lot of jack $hit that’s what.

Rejoice, tech support staff everywhere, your job is in demand! As time ticks forward, the army of lamers grows exponentially. Like a snowball charging downhill, so my internet performance spirals downward, inevitably destined to explode miserably when I need it most. Go ahead and call me a selfish pig, but I remember a day when loading a web page didn’t take 3 weeks. I was a net veteran years before you signed up and downloaded your first copy of ICQ. Welcome to the Internet, Loser …

Yup that’s means you. If you’re reading this the first thing you should do is right click the mug of that Napster freak down by your system clock and select EXIT. Yeah yeah, I know you are looking to expand your collection of sad music and washed up singers but how about saving the rest of the world a little bandwidth, you inconsiderate jerk. No one gives two squirts of piss about your 1000+ mp3s, and we certainly don’t want anything to do with your gay punk collection or that stupid trance remix you keep playing.

Oh, while we’re on the subject I should let you know how lame your background is. What is the point of having a picture of a topless model as your desktop when you cover her up with all those stupid icons. Like, have you not figured out how to organize your start menu? I thought they covered that in chapter 1 of Windows for Dummies. Yes I realize it’s above your reading level but how about putting in a little effort, huh? Boy, it’s a good thing your internet service provider has free tech support, because if they didn’t you’d be even more broke than you already are. I mean, after the monthly payments on your Compaq POS and your large crack budget, there isn’t not much left to go around.

Speaking of tech support, try to remember your email password please!? If you could just remember the one word YOU CHOSE to keep people from reading your mail, you might save yourself a lot of time. But then again, you are going to have to call support anyway to figure out how to get the porn sites out of your history list, so what the heck.

Hmm, that raises another point, what the hell are you doing looking at so much porn? Are you totally incapable with real women? Get your hormones in check, you’re making chimps and gorillas look civilized. I mean, when half your bookmarks lead to big-titted whores you know you have a problem.

So, there you have it. Bet you thought it was a good thing you joined the millions of people already connected to the net. Bet you even thought we were glad to have you huh? Well think again bucko, maybe in the far distant future, if you learn when to right click and you stop double-clicking hyperlinks, we might accept you as the newbie scum you are.

Until then, quit wasting our bandwidth with your lameness and take up a different hobby. May I suggest drooling?

The Jerky Bastard