Bar Nightmare

by The Lotus Queen

I’ve been collecting beefs about this topic for a while now so here we go: Going out to clubs and raves. This can be great fun and sometimes necessary to mental health. I like going out but there are a few things that really piss me off about the whole experience. Here they are, in classic list format.

1. Stupid People to watch out for: My lists are seldom in any kind of order but this is definitely number one: Smoke-wavers, AKA those idiots who wave cigarettes around on the dance floor. These morons are societal menaces. They have no concern for the well being of their fellow humans. Not only are they polluting us and stinging our contacts with their smoke, they are putting us at risk of our clothes being damaged and our flesh being burnt!

I do not go out to get burnt, thank you. Yet I must continuously be on guard for the smoke-wavers who think their smokes are glow-sticks and feel they can wave them around as such while dancing. Will my nice shirt get a hole in it? Will I get a painful burn? Will my eye get put out? However, the real questions go like this: If you burn me will I grab your smoke out of your hand and stomp it out? Will I burn you back? Do you have the cash on you to buy me a new shirt? Will I shove your smoke up your ass while it is still lit?

1A. A subsidiary of #1: Those losers who use their smoke, arrogantly clutched between two fingers, to push their way through a crowded dance floor, usually to the front. This is a very insidious tactic. People are forced to move because they don’t want to get burnt. Highly unfair, I must say. Most often, the smoke-wavers and smoke-pushers are the same people.

2. Krazee-Dancers: also menaces to any good time, Krazee Dancers will show up to a crowded club and butt their way onto the dance floor and proceed to flail and convulse, arms, legs and Phat pants flying everywhere, bouncing around, as if they were at a rave with lots of space. The drunker they get, the more fun they have. The more fun they have, the faster and Krazee-er they dance. This means the rest of us can look forward to our feet being stomped on, bony elbows in our chests, boobs, guts etc. and a night of lamely shuffling back and forth because there is no room to dance. (Although if you have a safe seat far away, they can be good for a laugh.)

Whether it be jungle or house, the Krazee Dancer must dance like there is 5000bpm hardcore playing. If others aren’t dancing like the Krazee Dancer, s/he concludes they aren’t having any fun. There are lots of Krazee Dancers at raves but usually there is enough space to accommodate them so they are less of a hazard. God forbid, however, should you run into a Krazee Dancer-Smoker-waver hybrid. I do not advocate violence against others but I would be willing to make an exception here.

3. The Drunk of the Day: This is the guy (and it is almost always a guy) who is soooo drunk he can’t walk or stand properly. He makes his way onto the dance floor and tries to dance. He can’t so he ends up just lurching around. He tries to communicate with any nearby females by facing them and lurching and swaying in their general direction, often moving closer and closer into their personal space and creeping them out.

Sometimes the DoD will be trying to dance while clutching beer bottle or 2. (The DoD always drinks beer.) This is of course very annoying. Any redeeming qualities he had are undetectable because of the retarded, infantile state he has reached. The DoD’s buddies are always never to be found, if they exist at all. He is a danger because at any time he could fall on the floor, fall on you, spill his beer on you or, in a worst-case scenario, puke! Since he is so out of it and has no friends to watch him, these occurrences are impossible to predict. He is a lurching, slurring time bomb and should be treated with caution.

4. The Stud: The Stud is a desperate loser who wants to get laid at all costs. That is why he is at the bar. He doesn’t care what the girl looks like, who she is etc. (Worst case scenario: “A hole is a hole whether she’s 80 or 8.”) He just wants to get some. He is great at bouncing back from rejection, since he gets it all the time. He’ll just move on to the next unwitting target. He is inherently sexist (see worst case scenario above) because he thinks that girls want to hear bad come-on lines and are dumb enough to fall for them. He thinks he has cleverly disguised his desire for sex as a desire to date her or be her friend. He tries to buy her drinks which are useful tools to help him facilitate his evil plans. He says things like “D’ya come here often?” or “What’s a girl like you doing without a boyfriend?” or “Why aren’t you drinking?” Subtle hints at NO do not work on him. The Stud is far too determined to let that deter him or to even bother noticing. No musical genre, club etc is really effective at shielding us from the Stud. There is usually a Stud in every bar in town. The best recourse is to tell him to fuck off. But like with many hardy bacteria, sometimes even that antibiotic won’t work.

5. The Lap Dog: She plays opposite the Stud. Like the Stud, there is one (actually many) in every bar. She bounces from guy to guy, looking for action, compliments, and drinks. Her high pitched laugh can be heard from across the bar as she plunks herself down in some unsuspecting guys lap and proceeds to drink his beer.

Attire usually includes short skirts, halter tops, tight black flares, itty-bitty dresses from which underwear protrudes, huge heels that she obviously can’t walk in, knee high hooker boots etc. She can be spotted on the dance floor or perched atop a speaker dancing like a stripper, necking some random guy, or grinding one of her other Lap-dogish friends even though you heard her making disparaging remarks about gays in the bathroom.

Note: Lap Dogs are not really lesbians no matter how much they grope each other and make out. Real lesbians do not hang out at the Fox and Firkin or the Taz. Real lesbians do not perform sexual acts for male pleasure. Real lesbians are seen as running counter to the patriarchal societal structure. Lap Dogs suck the dick of patriarchal structure (among others). Studs and their ilk do not like lesbians, they like slutty straight girls who pretend. Lesbians would not ask them to join in. Neither would anyone else with an ounce of taste and common sense. Lap Dogs will try any tactic to lure unsuspecting (and usually not too bright) prey and feed their fragile self-esteems with the heroin known as “fleeting male attention.”

6. The People’s Porn Stars: The PPSs are either “loving” couples or slutty people who insist upon performing or attempting to perform various sexual acts in the bar. They are the nasty result of a synthesis of the Lap Dog and the Stud. PPSs impose their travelling show everywhere, on everyone. No place is sacred. While ordering drinks, they make out. On the dance floor they make out. They may grope each other too. Or worse, start groping their friends. Like other pests, they may try and sneak their way into a washroom.

People’s Porn Stars may possibly derive sexual pleasure from other people watching them. Just like passing a car accident, we may be watching them, but with morbid curiosity. How far down her pants will his hand go? Can she grope and fondle all of her friends before the half-hour mark? Do we have to see her baggy green underwear rise above her pants? But we aren’t the ones getting any pleasure.

Most PPSs are too stupid to know they are not sexy but ridiculous. Especially if their underwear is showing. If I want to watch porn, I will rent a porno or watch Showcase after 11pm. I did not pay good cover money and set aside good time to see gross people slobbering and panting and groping each other. Private booths are a way to keep the eyesore caused by the People’s Porn Stars to a minimum but when they take the show to the dance floor and the bar, that’s when things really get out of hand and infringe upon my rights, dammit! In other words, there are reasons why the people who are porn stars ARE porn stars, and these people aren’t.

More Bullshit…
7. That stupid “towel” they have in certain washrooms that looks like a big pulled out piece of gaunch. During a busy bar night it is usually dirty, like a big pulled out piece of gaunch, after a wegdie has been administered.

8. Disgusting pigs that don’t know how to flush or worse, don’t know that the bodily waste goes IN the toilet, not near or around it.

9. People who pull out a whole bunch of toilet paper for no reason and then strew it around the place.

10. Bartenders who make up their own prices for pop depending on their whims.

11. Bouncers who are surely to cute, fresh-faced, smiling innocents like myself.

12. When you let a group of people pass in front of you on a crowded dance-floor because you think they want to get to the exit. Then you find out they have parked themselves there permanently for a tea party/high school reunion/joint smoking session etc. Now your view has been obstructed and you have been pushed closer to the back. Time to bust some heads.

13. 3$ water being sold at raves. If that isn’t blatant exploitation I don’t know what is.

14. Charging a re-entry fee to come back in a rave. More blatant exploitation.

15. Rave security staff who think they are riot cops. You are not cops at all and we are not in a riot so chill out and remove that baton you’ve hidden up your ass and we’ll all have a nice evening.

16. Big cover prices for all local acts. Gimme a break, you’re not fooling anybody here. They’re not worth that much.

17. Big groups of people who block the exits, hallways etc and wave their arms and drinks around in a rowdy, careless fashion, thus eliminating all chances people have of getting through.

18. When you order water and it tastes stale and musty or vaguely like pop.

19. When male friends get really drunk and start hitting on you. This is creepy because chances are there is a reason they are your friends and not your lovers. There are some issues coming to the surface here that need to be addressed. The friend zone is there for a reason and cannot just be plowed through. The way must be negotiated carefully. I stand by my claim that, as will all stupid things done while drunk ” being drunk does not just make people do things against their will, out of the blue…it merely loosens them up and gives them the guts to do what they already thought of doing in the first place.”

20. Drunken friends who spit when they talk. Shit! My eye!

21. Morons who think they can drive when they can barely walk and the friends who go along with this.

22. Guys on the patio who refer to women in derogatory terms, act like jerks and then complain to each other about how bitter they are because no women like them.

23. People who think looks don’t matter. When you’re in the bar looking for action, they sure as hell do. If you’re ugly, smelly, dirty, wasted and/ or stupid, I’m not gonna want to be around you, let alone sleep with you no matter how good your personality supposedly is. Deep down beyond the veneer of politically correctness, everyone else thinks this way too. However, good-looking but assholic people suck too. There, I am not so superficial after all. Losers are losers no matter how they are packaged. I hate you all equally.

24. Male Entitlement Syndrome: The very presence of a woman in a bar means she is available for sex. Wearing anything less than a baggy sweatshirt means she is available for sex. When she ignore him, looks away, gives one-word answers and doesn’t smile or laugh or is downright rude, this means try harder, she’s playing hard to get. This is a load of hot steaming shit and like said shit, belongs in the appropriate septic facility.

25. Stongbow! Yuck. Don’t listen to those people who say, “Try some, it’s sooo great! You’ll love it.”