U. S. S. R you stupid?

by Crom

Being attacked by a throng of hippy do-gooders with mounds of pro-commie literature in the middle of Eau Claire has finally weighed too heavily on me. This time it was too far. The disgustingly over done dreadlocks, coupled with the smell of 40 kinds of incense all burned simultaneously in order to achieve that rare karmic smell of dog vomit and the constant singing and strumming out of tune broke the small reserve of social restraint I had left. “Listen to me you useless hemp monkeys! Communism will never work; it can’t work, because people are scum. There’s no altruism in this world, merely a state of less selfishness that bubbles up when you’re trying to appear righteous. People will always embrace consumerism, because it’s homage to the all mighty JACK! Now pack up the mandolin and juggling sticks and get the fuck off my stoop!” To which they took offense.

But hey, I just said what the rest of you were thinking. I mean if you’re going to run around touting the awesome power of a Utopia, you’re gonna have to realize that some peoples idea of utopia has a truth factor built in. Let’s put this baby to sleep once and for all. Then we can all walk away and stop pretending that Communism would be dandy, if we could just work out the kinks. Nobody in their right mind is going to embrace pinko-ism. You know why? Cuz it ain’t got that sweet green. That’s right, you can’t get the greenbacks, farming all your shit and then giving it away. Das Kapital has the concept of “each to his or her own ability”, as the central polymorphic ideology. Only nobody ever really considers that some people are lazy as fuck, and probably have little or no natural ability whatsoever. And those that do are probably gonna laugh their heads off and then kick you in the nutz if you suggest to them that they should head off to work and clock the big bank, and then give a bunch of it away to people who didn’t do shit today. If I was a farmer and you showed up and said “Hey McDonald, why don’t you fork over your potato crop to the G man so we can redistribute it to the masses, and we’ll give you this nifty blanket and tin of coffee” Jesus. You better hope I don’t have a shotgun handy, or a shovel. I’d drop an anvil on your head.

Hey I’m all about the idea of trying to bring up humanity from the muck. I mean seriously, we’re totally screwing this planet. We love burning shit, and chopping oxygen producing plants down; but I don’t think the vehicle to produce change is sitting on the curb selling necklaces and scoffing at the briefcase toting majority. The amount of people who spend their day thinking about the rainforest is pretty slim. I’m pretty choked we arbitrarily devastate areas of precious, thousand year old vegetation; but I think maybe getting a job and contributing money to the organizations that fight that would be more of an influence then using up wood Xeroxing 9000 pamphlets you know damn well everyone is going to throw away. And shoveling our economy onto the Orient Express to hell that is socialist order strikes me as material for a Jon Stewart stand up bit.

I think the fall of Soviet Empire probably demonstrates the flawed nature of Socialism. They were mighty powerful for a long time, and then every thinks “Hey Capitalism crushed someone else”…uh no. Granted we probably didn’t give them a helping hand, but when the entire system of government is corrupt (not a big surprise) and all the working class decides not to, well, WORK, then you’ve got yourself a little problem. No money, no food, little social programs, and a constantly declining standard of living ( so much so that it’s tough to actually call it that) all add up to arithmetic anyone can do:

Nothing + Nothing + Nothing ÷ Everyone = Total Economic and Social Failure.

Well, break out the party hats and helium balloons. I think we should find some remote island and let the hipster doofus’ of the world run their little experiment. Of course…they wouldn’t be able to farm anything on a remote island, would have little or no economy, nothing to build homes out of and would have to borrow 400 million dollars to do it. Wow, that does sound like Russia. The bottom line is that this supposedly enlightened proletariat movement that clings to the notion that all the worlds problems could vaporize if only we threw away Capitalist ideals doesn’t want to face the facts that life isn’t going to be a utopia, ever. The idyllic existence they crave can’t be made by changing the face of politics, but only in changing the face of humanity. So do everyone a favor pal, trade in your Birkenstocks for Cat’s and go shovel dirt for awhile. Build some houses for the homeless, plants trees; do something more then sitting in a shopping mall on a Wednesday shouting slogans at passer-bys, because right now you’re nothing but a lot of talk with a guitar case people throw change in.

  • U. S. S. R you stupid?
  • by Crom
  • Published on December 1st, 2002

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