Originality, the forgotten lore
Someone, a long time ago, said that every story has been told. And, that anything newly produced is merely a rehash of the old, with a new twist. Although this is a jaded point of view, it seems to be true in the world of movies. The term “formulaic” is never uttered more often then in the movie business. The amazing thing however, isn’t the amount of plots that are pirated in Hollywood. That’s to be expected, since the writer’s creed is “Sand off the serial numbers and run”. The amazing thing is people’s reaction to the movies that are obvious, heavy handed remakes of earlier plot lines.
It seems that anytime a movie deviates from the expected outcome, it’s considered a marvel of cinematography. If the viewer is someone misled from the expected, or if the plot doesn’t follow the norm, then the movie is considered genius.
Much to my bafflement. For after watching these films I generally made some remark that went as follows: “You know, that’s 2 hours of my life, I’m never getting back”. And so, here are 5 examples of cretinism:
FaceOff: I should have known better, I mean John Woo for Christ’s sake. This movie made God cry, and stunt coordinators laugh. The whole premise was fishy, and over used in other genre’s (see: The Prince and the Pauper). The idea had predictable outcomes written all over it, with the whole “No you’re confusing him with the badguy!” twist occurring every other minute. I especially liked the 30 seconds of flight both characters had after they crashed the speed boat, rather then the reality: their bodies smashing into mush.
The Blair Witch Project: If you were scared watching this movie, I weep for you. I’ve never been more ripped off in my life. At no point did I think this movie had a shred of credibility, and the whole “It’s fake, but not fake” thing was pretty lame. Shakey camera work doesn’t make me think “Genuine” it makes me think “Hold the fucking camera still”.
The Cell: Oh my god. I don’t remember the name at the moment, but there was in fact a movie about a psychic who was trapped in the mind of a serial murderer, forced to watch and feel as he murdered his victims. Granted that this story was more along the lines of Kiss the girls, it still held to the same premise. This movie fell into a category of films that I wont go into, except to say that many of the films that make up what I’m talking about are like it. Eye candy, that’s it. An excuse to produce massive visual effects, and wow the audience, with little consideration to the story, or the context.
The Scream Series: One of these was offensive enough, making 3 was just cruel. Scare films are almost a thing of the past, since the slough of them that came out with the coming of Friday the 13th, more then scared the hell out of us. A white mask wont cut it sparky.
The Nutty Fucking Professor: Don’t get me started.
It seems that like faithful sheep, people flock to these movies and then spread the word of how good they are. Likening themselves to a virus. Visual effects will not impress me, unless they are preceded and followed by a good plot, character development and other such considerations that, while most don’t believe so, make a movie good. I’m not asking for the Quest For Fire, in every movie I go to see ( I’m the guy who thought Army Of Darkness was hilarious) but trying to woo me with bad effects will only breed contempt. Perhaps if movie producers and directors stopped doing so much coke, this problem wouldn’t exist.
Ps. 5 movies I really loved cuz I DIDN’T expect what happened
- The Boondock Saints
- Way of the Gun
- Requiem For a Dream
- And Goonies… cuz man, it’s fucking GOONIES.
- Originality, the forgotten lore
- by Crom
- Published on January 1st, 2002
More from Crom:
I wrote a book in high school
I’ll write something so awesome it will cave in my skull with its greatness and I’ll spend 13 months in ICU before being discharged as a homecare vegetable.
Soda Pop will destroy the universe
..They’ll battle it out over the precious remaining ingredients in the world, and kill each other for last drops of caramel colour..
If their Bourgeois friends can’t handle it, let ’em riot
So he goes to court, he gets fined, except they have no god damn money, so they’ll go to jail, for a week, get released and put back out on the street with sweet FA and be right back to square one..
…Corporate empires have conspired against the average consumer to slowly raise the price of the established cheap theaters in a sinister plot to curveball higher prices into your budget without your notice…
Bruce Banner Time
…If I had a nickel for every time some superhero in a tinted-out, too much bass, fuzzy dice, rice’d out, chunk of shit cut me off trying to race down to Metro before the drink specials are over and all the bar sluts are taken…
Poison Devil Mac
You can’t deny the esthetic of Apple products; you may want to in some delirious need to prove you aren’t in love with the idea, but you’d be lying to yourself
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