Brownie points with Slumdog Millionaire

by Gordon McDowell

There is no such thing as "the perfect chick flick". If there was, Hollywood wouldn't be wasting thousands of dollars every year trying to create THE PERFECT MOVIE (meaning something which can be marketed towards both men and woman effectively).

While they may never achieve perfection, when they even get close to creating a movie which can be enjoyed by everyone… its best to overlook the tiny flaws. In Slumdog Millionaire I was able to enjoy a movie where some schmuck (Jamal) is chasing his childhood love interest (Latika) across India, and not needing to dodge zombies or aliens to do it.

(Oh lets not even bother stating the real names of the actors. Each character way played by 3 actors to show different age ranges. They were all not-white, so the only way to track who was who was to pay attention to how they acted. Boyle! Take a tip from Hollywood action flicks, and try limit yourself to 1 non-white protagonist per movie. It helps limit my confusion.)

Non-retarded romantic movies like this are a treasure, because the brownie points you earn with your woman can be cashed in later as you force her to watch AN AWESOME MOVIE, usually consisting of sci-fi and horror elements. Maybe with a splash of female nudity thrown in for fun.

If you don't take your woman to see Slumdog Millionaire you'll be gnashing your teeth when forced to watch the next "relationship" movie which gets shat out of the Hollywood pipe. You'll watch some woman pine for an arrogant male who's got a good heart but is hesitant to show it until finally he gives in and they pork. There'll be some other complication… but it'll be tripe. And when your woman asks what you thought about it, the only correct response you can possibly give is: "I thought the female lead wasn't nearly as pretty as you."

No, the smart approach is the hop on the Slumdog Millionaire train, and sit through an entirely enjoyable and engaging movie which your woman can also enjoy. This is being marketed as a romantic movie! You don't have to convince her to go see it… simply ask what's playing she'd like to see, and say no to all the other movies. You might have to say no to 5 shitty movies before she suggests Slumdog Millionaire but suggest it she will. And she'll think you are doing her a favor by agreeing to see a movie of her choice!

So what sets it apart from your typical romantic drivel? Well this is what we dannyboyleologists refer to as "one of his good ones". Meaning it's up there with "Shallow Grave", "Trainspotting" and "28 Days Later". You know, all those movies you couldn't talk your woman into seeing. And because you didn't play your chick-flick brownie points correctly you didn't even get to see them in the theater, you had to rent them on DVD. Christ, your life is a disaster.

A hard core dannyboyleologist will try watch the latest Danny Boyle movie, knowing full well it might not be a good movie. Boyle's responsible for some of the most head scratchingly stupid endings stuck on engaging movies anyone's ever seen:

• The Beach – Possibly the most retarded stick-a-happy-voice-over ending ever stuck on a test screened movie since Ridley Scott pussied out on Bladerunner.
• Sunshine – Ends with a tedious this-doesn't-work action sequence one only wished would end PLEASE GOD JUST END.
• 28 Days Later – Yes even one of his "good ones" features a re-shot, out-of-place ending that everyone I've ever discussed the movie with can't help but mention with distaste.

Why do dannyboyleologists do it? Did the heroin we first tried immediately after watching Trainspotting somehow rewire our brains to seek Danny Boyle movies again and again? Are we Tina to a crazed Danny Ike, and can't get enough abuse? Sticking with Boyle because we know sooner or later he'll lose it but who are we kidding we don't deserve any better?

Because just like Ike on a good day, Boyle knows how to entertain. You know he's having a great time making his flicks… and its only after the test screenings that Boyle start to second guess himself.

Inside Slumdog: Boyle on India

The opening sequence of Slumdog Millionaire has all the kinetic energy of Trainspotting. Instead of pov-ass teens running from security guards, its pov-ass 7 year olds running from Indian police. It's got a toilet diving sequence (which Boyle only saves for his very best movies), yet makes India look like a beautiful enough place you'll want make it your next vacation destination. After hiding all your money in a body cavity.

That the movie is good is not a debatable point. It's on Ebert's best films of 2008. Check out the Wikipedia summary of its critical reception. Rotten Tomatoes: 92%. This is a good Danny Boyle movie. If you are still debating wanting to see it, well just piss off. Michael Bay is waiting for you, and he's feeling frisky.

Are they gone? Ok, good. They don't deserve to know the secret of Slumdog Millionaire. The "spoiler". The what YOU NEED TO KNOW to ensure a NET PLUS in CHICK FLICK BROWNIE POINTS.

The end credits include a DIRTY DANCING tribute. Yes. The lead actors dance to the moves from Dirty Dancing. That's gold. That's what your woman has really been craving every time she goes to see a chick flick, but she doesn't know it. In fact it is scientifically impossible for a woman NOT to watch the Slumdog Millionaire end credits and not feel deeply satisfied. It is chick-flick fix in its purest form.

But, you don't earn those brownie points if she doesn't make it to the end of the movie.

Slumdog Millionaire starts out a bit rough. Some eyes are burnt out with acid. There's an iron pipe to someone's head. And there's a torture scene. Your woman might get a bit antsy and try to bail. You need to be able to keep her in the theater past the 40 minute mark. If she leaves early, then all has been for naught. No chick-flick brownie points, and should you decide to stay in the theater and watch the rest of the movie without her, possibly your relationship will be ended as well.

So if she's queasy be ready with an "out". Some sort of reason she might want to step out during say… the eye removal sequence. (You'll know its coming.) If your woman isn't the type that can handle it, then that might be a good time to suggest a bathroom break. Or ask if she'll grab you some more popcorn. You can try make out with her as a distraction, but she might interpret any romantic advances coinciding with eyeball removal at best as mere insensitivity on your part. At worst as an unpleasant fetish. Know your woman. If you need to fake choking on a popcorn kernel to keep her mind off the movie for a moment, well pissing off half the audience is a small price to pay to keep your chick-flick balance in the black.

Gordon McDowell