Bill and Ted’s bogus journey
I assume in the course of the average person’s life, they watch that movie. At the very least you must have seen “Excellent adventure”; it was a staple of life in the 90’s. For those who might have forgotten or didn’t bother to see it, Bill S Preston Esquire, and Ted Theodore Login, traversed the cosmos in a time machine much resembling a phone booth and in the sequel were killed by evil twins, then subsequently defeated death and returned to the living to vanquish the evil villain , the quasi-futuristic Gym instructor. Granted several aspects of this film are so far fetched that even the flimsy blanket known as “Fiction” couldn’t bring us to believe it for a moment (George Carlin being humanity’s savior strikes me as being without foundation in reality what-so-ever). However the basic concept was sound. A journey that completely sucked due to the out of proportion problems it generated, or because it messed up your schedule for proposing to your girlfriends and playing a gig all in the same day. But I digress. Most of you have seen the movie. Well…
I too have lived the Bogus journey. Supernatural forces conspired against me in a fiendish plot to thwart all my attempts to throw away my old refrigerator. Go ahead… laugh. To you it’s funny, but to me the person who spent the better part of 3 days trying to find a place to put that god forsaken piece of heavy ass shit, it was not funny at all. First of all, I phone the Canadian Appliance recyclers, and the woman answering the phone tells me that , yes they do take old fridges, so bring it down and they’ll have a look. I arrive and the manager politely tells me to go fuck myself. He offers another destination, just down the road that will most likely take it, for a small fee. Once I arrive there I am again informed that a place I was told would take this god damn thing is not going to do so. I phone for reinforcements, I receive only mediocre suggestions:
“Leave it in the ATCO parking lot!”
“Dump in behind 7-11, no one will notice”
“Put it back in your garage” (yeah that’s brilliant)
“Put it in the bargain finder, someone will buy that”
You people are useless. Later in the day an informant tips me off that the city dump will take them for 10 bucks, elation! I receive a garbled communiqué from HQ as to the whereabouts of the city dump and somehow I end up fifteen minutes east of the city in the middle of Buttfuq, Alberta, at the BFI dumpsite, which , as you can probably ascertain from my dry tone, does NOT take refrigeration units.
Fuck. Double Fuck.
At this point I’ve lost what little of my mind remained. I no longer see other motorists on the freeway, I see only the jungle. I sweep north east , scouting for Charlie. I’m back in the ‘Nam. HQ has radioed for me to sweep NE and scout a possible encampment of VC. I send Baker and Thompson ahead while me and the rest of the squad hunkered down in the mud. I check my map and realize we’re in occupied country, 5 miles in. Everything is in blackout, we have no clue what’s around us, I just know charlie’s up ahead somewhere and that we’re gonna take care of him right good. It’s about this time that I realize I’ve been sitting at a light for 5 minutes, it’s changed green 8 times and I haven’t moved. People are driving AROUND me. After scanning my surroundings I note I can see the city dump a block away. At some point in all this I had been told I might get a few bucks for the ‘fridge, someone might refurbish it then sell it, that dream is long dead. When the city worker informs me it’s 10 bucks plus the weight of the fridge I’m more then happy to comply. Anything, I think, anything you want just take this fucking thing off the back of my truck.
On the drive home I realized I’d been prepared to push it off the back of my truck onto the side of the highway. So take my advice to heart friends. Find the city dump, find it fast, phone the city if need be, everyone is too retarded to give you good directions, or even correct directions for that matter. Oh… and Ted, don’t forget to wind your watch.
- Bill and Ted’s bogus journey
- by Crom
- Published on June 1st, 2001
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