A Brief History of my Closet

by Crom

In the beginning, what was considered by some to be the “Golden Age” of my closet, everything stood in rooted order. All the subjects of this tiny kingdom lived in harmony, each occupying the appropriate places, and fitting neatly into this society. Soon however, a discord rang out through the nation, as the borders were opened and many immigrating articles of clothing made their way into the land. The Clothes were a sloth like people, living wherever they chose, and choking up traffic and putrefying the air. They regarded the clean, idealistic world they’d entered as static and arid, clearly mismanaged with all its vast regions of empty space.

Following behind the Clothes was an ethnic tsunami that would destroy the Closet, breaking the spirit that once shined brightly. Soon the Closet was over run by Junk, Sporting goods, and an array of Musical Equipment. The likes of which would turn the stoutest heart to ice. The Sporting Goods took up room it didn’t even need, mostly due to mismanagement of funds and a lack of administration and organization. Also as a result of being a people involved almost exclusively in the sweaty, protracted activity, they were not a particularly hygienic people, and soon gained a reputation as the worst of the inhabitants. Musical Equipment was not the slovenly, disrespectful and avaricious space-mongers that the Sporties were, while always respectful of the environment, they were known for being large and immovable in their ways, and often spilled over into other areas occupied by previous inhabitants, who’d left to escape the heavy onslaught. They were also a snobbish group, known to take particular pleasure in pointing out that they were the richest items in the Closet, often with tremendous investments, equaling 3 or more paycheques. Without question they were the blue bloods of the Closet, and flaunted it to the rest of the people around.

No one, however, was more disingenuous, fallacious and cagey then the Junk. They were without question the worst of the new comers, always taking up the best spaces, and constantly leeching resources away from the Closet. Junk never cared where they ended up, but after a brief refrain, ended up everywhere, cloistered in with the rest of the inhabitants. They were the laziest and filthiest group that lived in the closet, their highest concentration being in “The Dresser”. It was the roughest part of the Closet, filled to the eyeballs with Junkers and Sporties, packed in shoulder to shoulder with each other. Anyone foolish enough to venture into the Dresser would be subjected to full scope of Junk’s worst influence. Soon the Junkers were outnumbering every other member of the Closet, and threatened the very existence of free space itself. When Junk failed to clear itself up, steps were taken to remove Junk, but Junk resisted.

This led inexorably to what would be later known as “The 6 hour war” the longest conflict in Closet history. Forces from the outside were brought in, Hoovers, Windex’s and the most decorated outfit in the corps, the Glad Green Berets. In unison they devastated the Junkers, occupying ground all over and eventually eradicated the Junk from the Closet, while simultaneously thinning the ranks of the Clothes and Sporties. Reserves were instituted for the Musical Equipment, with round the clock policing and heavy fines against any of them found outside their designated area. The Dresser was repossessed and urbanized, and now housed many of the Closets inhabitants in an ordered life. The “Hamper Accords” were signed by all parties, and Peace once again ruled over the Closet.

  • A Brief History of my Closet
  • by Crom
  • Published on April 1st, 2004

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